Just popped in (......) to announce that I have decided something. This 'something' is that I always have, and probably always will, despised the 'beat 'em up' genre!
Why? Are you serious? You need clarification in the form of text? OK then.
First, a description of a beat 'em up, or 'fighting' game. These titles involve two idiots selecting a character that is usually some kind of gym-enhanced stripper, or some type of 80's martial arts stereotype. You know, like an Afro Bruce Lee or a karate robot.
Then, the two participating fools select a ludicrous location for their bickering session, with no sort of logic applied to how these characters ended up scuffling on the Sphinx's forehead, or in a hot tub on the back of a lorry driving through medieval Germany. Stupid!
Then, the pair of clowns participating in this nonsense rapidly stab every possible button available to them, sometimes holding several down at once in random fashion. Through a process of blind luck & repetition one of the challengers executes some kind of daft, physics-defying manoeuvre wherein their character gains an extra set of knees! This additional set of joints allows their chosen stripper to envelope the enraged enemy karate robot in a laughably fruity headlock. Can you believe this?
Then, to satisfy the pair of sillies playing, the word 'PERFECT!' flashes up on the screen, accompanied by a small taunt from the victorious combat stripper (which usually allows a sneaky peek at their pixellated undercrackers). Look here now:
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| Well done! Award yourself some crisps! |
Praise be to the gaming gods that this tripe is in decline, even on those console things that you can buy if you want to!
Anybody over the age of 12 has absolutely NO EXCUSE for playing this stuff anymore, as images of ladies' legs, heads & underarms are now easily obtained via the internet. I just performed a quick 3 hour search using Google images, tissues & Lucozade, and can confirm they are certainly there.
Ahem.
They are perhaps universally offensive to women in their eye-watering anatomical buffoonery too!
So there you go, beat 'em ups are for children curious about women. Case closed!*
GL & HF!
*The beat 'em up genre has one the highest skill requirements for competitive play, and has been a key player in popularising our hobby.
"the pair of clowns participating in this nonsense rapidly stab every possible button available to them, sometimes holding several down at once in random fashion" Ha ha ha!
ReplyDeleteI take it you have never really played a beat 'em up for more then 30 minutes? Put in the time to master a character and find yourself an opponent of similar skill, Nothing comes close! Just noticed the small print at the bottom, You better believe it!
I'll bet you used to spam one move as Paul Phoenix, am I right?
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