Sunday, 20 October 2013

A-Z part 1!

Hello beautiful yet manly friends!

This weekends post shall consist entirely of an alphabetised list! And as such, from this day forth, Sunday the 20th of October shall be known to all as...


Thy mind shalt be blowneth!

So, let's get started.

Here is an alphabetised list of things that video games have never done properly!

A is for Archaeology: Games have always made archaeology appear too damn sexy, from Lara croft and her sprayed-on cave-diving hotpants to Skyrim and its long-haired, tanned and rippling Nordic gym-boy protein guzzlers. According to gaming, archaeology is about giving several undead warrior Kings a good kicking, then stealing their massive pile of unmarked, untraceable and morally neutral cash, and then finally reanimating a gorgeous ghostly stripper Queen to take as your wife.

Have you ever seen 'Time Team'? A factual TV programme about real archaeology? It's a load of scruffy old weird blokes with inch-long, soil-encrusted finger nails scratching about under a dug-up car -park in Leeds for some pieces of an old toilet seat. No.

B is for Booze: Games would have you believe that booze is the portal to awesome experiences, the consumption of which results in a few minutes of comedy staggering and a bit of slurred chatter. The truth is booze makes irritating people 9000% more irritating and it rapidly converts your hard-earned cash into a headache, a medium-sized puddle of vomit and a few gallons of brown urine.

C is for Crime/Criminals: Baddies usually get an easy ride from games. They are painted up as either misunderstood heart-of-gold diamonds-in-the-rough, or glorious social rebels 'sticking it to the man' as we all wish we could in a radical and unrestrained manner. No.

Criminals, be it big or small, are scumbags. They are free-loading vermin wilfully ignorant to how society should function, hitching a ride on the backs of decent folks with a tattooed shrug and a sneer. Somebody needs to make a game that casts you as a genuine dull-witted burglar, where everybody hates you and people can tell you're a human poo just from one glance at your rustling sportswear. 

D is for Desks: I love my desk. It has drawers and a cupboard, is just the right height for me and does everything I need it to do. I wish everyone could experience the joys of the perfect desk.

Therefore I suggest someone develops 'Desk Simulator 2014', an awesome game wherein you shop for a desk, assemble it then see if you can fit your chair into that gap for your legs. You could have QTEs involving hinges, or perilous perma-death scenarios if you misplace one of those small screws.

Back on topic, I've never seen desks get the credit they deserve in games. I've seen them chucked about in Half-life, seen them used as barriers in Resident Evil and even seen them floating about in space thanks to Mass Effect. No respect, see? Never used properly.

E is for Easter: Why has Easter never featured in gaming? Christmas features all the time! Bloody Halloween is always being shoved down our eyes and valentines day has had a few dodgy Japanese porn games dedicated to it. So what's the beef with Easter? I like chocolate.

F is for Forests: Forests are NOT full of treasure, hidden ruins, men with the legs of a goat, portals to other dimensions or anything exciting whatsoever. They are rubbish and full of trees and litter.

G is for Ghosts: Ghosts are not real. They can't exist. Just stop it. So why can't we (for once) have a game that has a supposed haunting unmasked as some dodgy plumbing, or a particularly ill-fitted hinge causing a door to swing open with a creeeeak? Ghosts in games are always a cop-out, used to fill a hole in which the writers could come up with nothing better. I spit on you, Pac-man!

H is for Horses: Horses in games tend to be willing accomplices, always ready to offer their services as a grass-fuelled taxi when in need of convenient A to Z shenanigans. They are friendly, obedient and loyal. They seem as if they would die for you! Nothing would make them happier!

The truth? Horses are dangerous, vicious carnivores with no morals whatsoever. And they can sting. They aren't helpful, they are stupid and they are lazy, lazy beasts. Eat them instead.

I is for Invisibility: In games, being invisible is used exclusively for killing things without alerting anybody. In reality, being invisible is rubbish & useless.

You can't steal anything, because people will see you carrying it off. You can't do anything especially dangerous, as you're still just a person. You can't even move about in your own home, as being unable to see your hands, legs or feet would make it impossible at first. Think about it, Son.

So the only thing I can come up with that invisibility is really good for? I'm afraid standing silently in the corner of changing rooms is the best I can do for you. Pervert. Wash your hands.

And that brings to an end the first part of this ordeal suffered by your eyes, and yes, I understand that I'm not exactly halfway through the alphabet. If you care so much, YOU write it.


And any suggestions for the letters X and Z will be gratefully received and rehashed without any form of credit given. Plagiarism is how I roll, yo. It's gotten me this far!

GL & HF!


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