tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83860268951750569002024-03-05T16:26:28.629+00:00@AlmightyCasual writing into the void :(AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-43555258990144744852013-10-27T14:20:00.002+00:002013-10-27T14:20:32.548+00:00Terrible quality A-Z part 2!This material is so feeble I can't wait for it to be over! So let's just grit our teeth and continue.<br />
<br />
<b>J</b> is for <b>Jail</b>: Usually, jails are portrayed as a place where baddies go to comfortably continue running their criminal empires. A place where tough guys respectfully nod at each other as they lift massive weights, surrounded by their 'crew'.<br />
<br />
The reality of jail? You are trapped inside a small room with a scumbag, despised by every normal member of society. And to put the cherry on top, you have to regularly take a shower whilst a violent gentleman with minimal teeth appraises your buttocks. Not good, neighbour.<br />
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<b>K</b> is for...<b>Karate</b>? I don't even like beat 'em ups, so I'll ignore this letter just in case I can't think of anything else.<br />
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<b>L </b>is for<b> Life</b>: Yes, I know life in video games has all the good/bad bits exaggerated and amplified, as the reality of it is a bit tedious. Nobody wants to eat/go to the toilet/get a haircut and all that drudge in a video game, at least not as often as real life requires.<br />
<br />
In real life you have to grow up, go to school, get a job...<i>everybody has to</i>. Nobody is exempt from this miserable progression, nobody gets to skip a part and go off shouting at dragons. Games need to put a few more unavoidable, repetitive chores into the mix. Like hoovering the stairs or changing the bedding, say. That sort of thing. And filling in forms.<br />
<br />
<b>M</b> is for<b> Mummies</b>: I don't mean the proud parent of a newborn baby, silly! I mean the bandaged-up, musty old super-aggro chav that is the stereotypical Egyptian-style mummy!<br />
<br />
In games, mummies have supernatural strength, tend to have some sort of magical ability and are able to still be as enraged and unreasonable as a spilled-pint steroid enthusiast in a packed beer garden! Even after thousands of years sealed inside a stone coffin! Amazing.<br />
<br />
Imagine my surprise, then, as I visited my first mummy exhibit in a museum somewhere. All I saw was some stupid eyes painted onto what looked like a shop-window mannequin covered in dirty old wallpaper. Rubbish! And despite how blasphemous and loud my taunts were, I wasn't even cursed or covered in a swarm of beetles!<br />
<br />
All that happened was an old security chap politely inquired if I was a mental...which was MORE THAN PHARAOH given the circumstances! You like that? Yeah, you do.<br />
<br />
<b>N</b> is for <b>Night</b>: Night time in gaming usually means stealth missions, vampires or a little bit of light necromancy in a local cave. So in general some pretty dark & exciting stuff.<br />
<br />
Night in real life? Moths/Daddy-long-legs occasionally scaring the wife, having to sometimes get up and visit the toilet, and the odd weirdo mucking about in the back street near a skip. Boring.<br />
<br />
O <i>was going to be for</i> Originality, but that's a subject for a better writer than me, someone with an actual articulate opinion on the topic, and a better understanding of the subject. Not me, then.<br />
<br />
<b>P</b> is for <b>Punch-ups</b>: I've never been in a fist-fight, thankfully, but I've witnessed a couple. And in games punch-ups tend to be very tidy. Almost turn-based, even. All very choreographed and that.<br />
<br />
The real-life brawls which I have seen have started with some shoving, one or two wild swings and then they descended into a grunting, hate-filled cuddle that rolled about in all the little bits of glass and tab-ends which littered the filthy pub carpet. Strictly Come Scrapping it wasn't, Son.<br />
<br />
<b>Q</b> is for <b>Quests</b>: Right, I am going to give you a quest right now. I want you to find a hidden cave in Devon, but the only way you can gain entry is by using a unique key which is at the bottom of Lake Windermere, inside a half-buried casket. Go. Go on, fetch. What are you waiting for?<br />
<br />
What's that? You want a MAP?? And a quest marker on the map?? And quick-travel?? And the necessary training to scour the bottom of a freezing cold lake for the treasure??<br />
<br />
And you don't know which way Devon is??...<br />
<br />
See? Quests in games are always too easy. All on a plate. Outrageous, even. They are so stupidly easy that even the local nutter arrested for yelling at the mummies in the museum could do them.<br />
<br />
<b>R</b> is for <b>Robots</b>: Robots in games are usually awesome. Robots in real life are crap. They don't look like hot women, they don't have combat skills and you will be hard pressed to form a brotherly bond with one.<br />
<br />
All they do is weld Nissans together, man. Call me when you can at least threaten me.<br />
<br />
(OK, I know if I went down a Nissan production line I'd be killed by the robots.)<br />
<br />
<b>S</b> is for <b>Soldiers</b>: Soldiers in games are always elite one-man-army types, capable of carrying huge amounts of equipment over huge distances, and murdering huge numbers of enemies with their huge guns and huge hugeness.<br />
<br />
Where is the unwilling coward? The chap who would prefer to be a chef? The woman that would rather not drive into a minefield, if there is a longer but safer route available? The pilot that wants to leave some incompetent fool behind so he can go home to his husband? Shame on you, games.<br />
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<b>T</b> is for <b>Throwing</b>: Throwing things in real life is hard. It makes you tired. You don't get a handy visual thingy appear before your eyes in real life, helping you judge elevation, power etc. No.<br />
<br />
You just sort of chuck things hoping for the best, either too hard so it goes sailing over your target, or too weak,shallow and wristy so it lands about two metres away from you. LIKE A GIRL THROW.<br />
<br />
<b>U</b> is for...Oh I don't know, I tried. Udders? Umbrellas? Underwear? Ugandans?<br />
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<b>V</b> is for <b>Voice Acting</b>: Despite what wordy people desperate for games to be seen as art will tell you, the standard of most acting in gaming is <i>shockingly bad.</i> Really, really awful.<br />
<br />
Although it has led to some properly funny stuff, actually. Here, watch the following video for...<br />
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<i>Thirty five minutes!</i> Good grief. I'd edit it but as you know by now, I'm too thick. So here:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/uJN6x62Q5Ds?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Did you watch it all? Nah, didn't think so. Maybe watch it in instalments? Oh, do what you want.<br />
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<b>W</b> is for <b>Women</b>: Games hate and under-represent women. They are either bouncy-breasted combat whores or...bouncy breasted combat whores. The end.<br />
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Oh, or they are weakling kids needing protection from a masculine figure. BIG MAN are we?<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>X is for X-ray vision</b>: What else!<br />
<br />
Look, if you really had X-ray vision, wouldn't you just see through the entire planet all the time, thus rendering it useless & a massive hindrance? You wouldn't be able to pick to which degree your vision penetrates objects, would you? Any physicists reading this care to shed some light?<br />
<br />
<b>Y</b> is for something beginning with Y that I haven't thought of: Something something something! And something, something something Y something something something. Something? Y? Something!<br />
<br />
Something something something Y something. Something. Y.<br />
<br />
<b>Z</b> is for <b>Zoo</b>: I remember how very cooperative and lovely the inmates where when I used to play Zoo Tycoon. They did predictable things at predictable times, and bred when I commanded them to. All was simple and well regimented. Real zoos? Pff.<br />
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Real zoos are junk, man. All the animals stink, and they hide most of the time. What's the point of taking a pocket full of small change to pelt the heads of the gorillas with if they insist on hiding in their not-even-got-SkyTV rubbish little sheds? I had to buy a Mars bar at the motorway services to get that change you c***.<br />
<br />
Well, we've reached the end. And thank Dog, it couldn't come soon enough.<br />
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I hated every moment of this, I will never do it ever again. It was like being blind in one eye for four hours! Just kidding, it was worse than that. Thanks for enduring it with me, honey.<br />
<br />
Next weekend: Something else of diminishing quality!<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-20205666976508986322013-10-20T13:44:00.000+01:002013-10-20T13:44:27.619+01:00A-Z part 1!Hello beautiful yet manly friends!<br />
<br />
This weekends post shall consist entirely of an alphabetised list! And as such, from this day forth, Sunday the 20th of October shall be known to all as...<br />
<br />
<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<u>ALPHABETISED LIST SUNDAY PART 1 DAY</u></h3>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawxJTJtndOv9Vu2-tSGG6BVgZo8KsMKwSPoBPMwubbnOb-vo_AjNSqFq1Gqb5EGVUX2hBU0AZY3zbr3E6wKqWet2mGW2jcY9Z-OizgJA0CcDNH6db6TgFNvKgu9GA9sogzqQTphyRX3A/s1600/mind-blown-o.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiawxJTJtndOv9Vu2-tSGG6BVgZo8KsMKwSPoBPMwubbnOb-vo_AjNSqFq1Gqb5EGVUX2hBU0AZY3zbr3E6wKqWet2mGW2jcY9Z-OizgJA0CcDNH6db6TgFNvKgu9GA9sogzqQTphyRX3A/s1600/mind-blown-o.gif" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thy mind shalt be blowneth!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><u><b><br /></b></u></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><u><b><br /></b></u></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So, let's get started.<br />
<br />
Here is an alphabetised list of things that video games have<i> never done properly</i>!<br />
<br />
<b>A</b> is for <b>Archaeology</b>: Games have always made archaeology appear too damn sexy, from Lara croft and her sprayed-on cave-diving hotpants to Skyrim and its long-haired, tanned and rippling Nordic gym-boy protein guzzlers. According to gaming, archaeology is about giving several undead warrior Kings a good kicking, then stealing their massive pile of unmarked, untraceable and morally neutral cash, and then finally reanimating a gorgeous ghostly stripper Queen to take as your wife. <br />
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Have you ever seen 'Time Team'? A factual TV programme about real archaeology? It's a load of scruffy old weird blokes with inch-long, soil-encrusted finger nails scratching about under a dug-up car -park in Leeds for some pieces of an old toilet seat. No.<br />
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<b>B</b> is for <b>Booze</b>: Games would have you believe that booze is the portal to awesome experiences, the consumption of which results in a few minutes of comedy staggering and a bit of slurred chatter. The truth is booze makes irritating people 9000% more irritating and it rapidly converts your hard-earned cash into a headache, a medium-sized puddle of vomit and a few gallons of brown urine. <br />
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<b>C</b> is for<b> Crime/Criminals</b>: Baddies usually get an easy ride from games. They are painted up as either misunderstood heart-of-gold diamonds-in-the-rough, or glorious social rebels 'sticking it to the man' as we all wish we could in a radical and unrestrained manner. No. <br />
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Criminals, be it big or small, are scumbags. They are free-loading vermin wilfully ignorant to how society should function, hitching a ride on the backs of decent folks with a tattooed shrug and a sneer. Somebody needs to make a game that casts you as a genuine dull-witted burglar, where <i>everybody </i>hates you and people can tell you're a human poo just from one glance at your rustling sportswear. <br />
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<b>D</b> is for <b>Desks</b>: I love my desk. It has drawers and a cupboard, is just the right height for me and does everything I need it to do. I wish everyone could experience the joys of the perfect desk. <br />
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Therefore I suggest someone develops 'Desk Simulator 2014', an awesome game wherein you shop for a desk, assemble it then see if you can fit your chair into that gap for your legs. You could have QTEs involving hinges, or perilous perma-death scenarios if you misplace one of those small screws. <br />
<br />
Back on topic, I've never seen desks get the credit they deserve in games. I've seen them chucked about in Half-life, seen them used as barriers in Resident Evil and even seen them floating about in space thanks to Mass Effect. No respect, see? Never used properly.<br />
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<b>E</b> is for <b>Easter</b>: Why has Easter never featured in gaming? Christmas features all the time! Bloody Halloween is always being shoved down our eyes and valentines day has had a few dodgy Japanese porn games dedicated to it. So what's the beef with Easter? I like chocolate.<br />
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<b>F </b>is for <b>Forests</b>: Forests are NOT full of treasure, hidden ruins, men with the legs of a goat, portals to other dimensions or anything exciting whatsoever. They are rubbish and full of trees and litter.<br />
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<b>G</b> is for <b>Ghosts</b>: Ghosts are not real. They can't exist. Just stop it. So why can't we (for once) have a game that has a supposed haunting unmasked as some dodgy plumbing, or a particularly ill-fitted hinge causing a door to swing open with a creeeeak? Ghosts in games are always a cop-out, used to fill a hole in which the writers could come up with nothing better. I spit on you, Pac-man!<br />
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<b>H</b> is for <b>Horses</b>: Horses in games tend to be willing accomplices, always ready to offer their services as a grass-fuelled taxi when in need of convenient A to Z shenanigans. They are friendly, obedient and loyal. They seem as if they would <i>die</i> for you! Nothing would make them happier!<br />
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The truth? Horses are dangerous, vicious carnivores with no morals whatsoever. And they can sting. They aren't helpful, they are stupid and they are lazy, lazy beasts. Eat them instead.<br />
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<b>I</b> is for <b>Invisibility</b>: In games, being invisible is used exclusively for killing things without alerting anybody. In reality, being invisible is <i>rubbish </i>&<i> useless.</i><br />
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You can't steal anything, because people will see you carrying it off. You can't do anything especially dangerous, as you're still just a person. You can't even move about in your own home, as being unable to see your hands, legs or feet would make it impossible at first. Think about it, Son.<br />
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So the only thing I can come up with that invisibility is really good for? I'm afraid standing silently in the corner of changing rooms is the best I can do for you. Pervert. Wash your hands.<br />
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And that brings to an end the first part of this ordeal suffered by your eyes, and yes, I understand that I'm not exactly halfway through the alphabet. If you care so much, YOU write it.<br />
<br />
<i>Exactly. </i><br />
<br />
And any suggestions for the letters X and Z will be gratefully received and rehashed without any form of credit given. Plagiarism is how I roll, yo. It's gotten me this far!<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
<br /><br />
<i>.</i><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-55694572817425446942013-10-13T11:10:00.000+01:002013-10-13T11:10:09.161+01:00Press Start.Take a minute, and let me tell you something about myself.<br />
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Let me tell you, fellow traveller, of the things I have seen. The things I have done. The many things I have witnessed.<br />
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Let me try to illuminate the things that shaped me, formed me, moulded me into the man you are connected to this very instant. The moments that sculpted the bare, formless rock of my existence into the character you see before you. For better or worse.<br />
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See, I have been to so many places that it is impossible for me to list them for you. I've been to all four corners of our globe, I've been to the deepest depths of the oceans and I've stood and admired the desert blending seamlessly with the horizon as the sun washes over me.<br />
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I've journeyed into the very heart of our planet, gazed awestruck into the blazing core of our mother. I've also admired her endless beauty unfold beneath me from the highest heights as I swept overhead, upwards and upwards until the utter silence of space quietly surrounded me, cold and empty yet with dignified beauty, like a flower in a grave. As I hung there I was scrutinized by the stars, masses of pure light turning their faces toward me, nameless and distant. So many, so far.<br />
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My travels have not only been in terms of distance, friend. I've strode through history, witnessing cultures rise and tyrants fall, civilisations flourish and decadent empires drown in the waves of their sins. I've been to the dawn of man, stood and watched as our ancestors made their laborious climb to the peak of the food chain, and I've been flung forward to our glorious future, scattered among the stars and isolated in distant systems, yet still connected to each other as only we can be.<br />
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Time and space have not yet restrained me. I have been its master since the beginning. It bends to my will and yields before me. I can travel to and fro with impunity, flicking through the pages of our lives and pausing as I please.<br />
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It is a freedom that comes with immense possibilities, a gift beyond value.<br />
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It will change you. Again, for better or worse. I know which applies to me, brother.<br />
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Now, along the way I have met people. Characters. Souls. Brilliant flares of existence that drift into your path, like leaves on the wind, dipping and swirling with their destinies unknown.<br />
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Once contact is made, as in life, you end up absorbing something. Something stays with you, gets imprinted onto you. Memories are forged, and tempered with proud recollections years down the line. Some of the briefest encounters have lived on in my mind, treasured and maintained like the rarest and most fragile of portraits. Names and faces may fade, but the impact remains. Always.<br />
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And what an impact some made. Some of these characters have started out as strangers, unproven and doubted. Some have caused unease from their very arrival, setting the senses on edge with the threat of betrayal. Or worse. Much worse.<br />
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Some have committed acts of such evil that the mere thought of them is a curse, some have shown that cruelty and malice are as constant and elemental as mercy and hope. They are truly the stuff of nightmares, completely devoid of redeeming traits. They have hearts of the deepest black.<br />
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But the role they play was as important, potentially even more so, than the glorious allies I have made along the way. Strangers became friends, friends became brothers, then those brothers parted ways as the great story demanded, leaving behind indelible memories, an essence which influences you as much as their departure saddens.<br />
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I've known great Generals, capable of shouldering the burden of war without complaint. I've known great scientists, bending the very fabric of the universe with their genius, and making weapons of mighty forces such as gravity itself. I've known Kings, Princes, faithful servants and noble thieves.<br />
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I've stood on battlefields, shoulder to shoulder with brothers, knowing the task ahead will claim our lives many times over. But there was no sadness, no melancholy. Only wonder. Would the plans we made result in total victory, sweeping aside our enemy? Or would the slightest mistake from one of us lead to panic, uncertainty and loss? I've tasted both hundreds of thousands of times.<br />
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That is to say, I have celebrated the honoured company I keep. I am honoured whichever way the fates fall, defeats and victories never diminishing the pride I feel to be alongside them.<br />
<br />
To be with them at the end, as it returned to the beginning, was everything to me. <br />
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I don't only have tales of conflict from my travels. I have not lived for battle at the cost of everything else. Please, don't misunderstand. There is not only war in my soul.<br />
<br />
I have loved, too. But the wounds suffered by the heart are the most painful to recollect.<br />
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However, not all loves are destined to be lost.<br />
<br />
I have seen my faith repaid countless times. I have shared lives enriched by the certainty of destiny, knowing she would never forsake me as I struggled to find her. Knowing she wanted to be found.<br />
<br />
It has always been, and <i>will</i> always be, a matter of when.<br />
<br />
The prize? A kiss, a ceremony, a family? Or the fates of millions, held and bound inside something as deceptively delicate as her? It has always been different. The only constant was the wish to find her.<br />
<br />
Not all endings are happy, friend. I've seen time stand still as she was cut down before my very eyes by the hungry steel of a bitter enemy, the pearls and ribbons falling silently from her hair, leaving me with nothing but impotent rage and fathomless despair.<br />
<br />
I've seen her turn her back on me, manipulated by the poison of lies.<br />
<br />
I've even seen her rise up to meet her fate head-on, sacrificing herself without thought, slipping out of my reach regardless of my selfish cries and reasons. Her bravery outweighing my own.<br />
<br />
Enough of these stories of war and dreams of connections lost. There have been so many things I need you to know about.<br />
<br />
I have had my body of flesh replaced with metal, and my heart hardened into an engine as I battled wheel-to-wheel with racers from across our planet. I have struggled joyfully against the most talented of drivers, all of us laying claim to fractions of seconds and inches of tarmac, but with a noble respect and a fierce friendship. A true spirit of competition with fairness to the fore. Always.<br />
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I've visited the historic circuits which have echoed throughout our lives to the sound of legends being made, and tested myself against the wheeled heroes from all eras. I've been side by side with my own racing idols at speeds that the eye can barely follow.<br />
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Yes, I've looked into their very souls and been staggered by their unquenchable will to win. And as the harsh metallic cry of their engines dissolved into the distance, I would close my eyes and wish for the start line once again. Just one more race. Just one more. Next time I will match them.<br />
<br />
I have armed myself with swords, shields and spell-books, and rode mighty steeds across lands filled with mythical wonders and breathtaking vistas. I have stood atop snow-capped mountains, as the sun rose regally into the broad azure sky, giving me the clarity to gaze out onto the endless lands below.<br />
<br />
I have lost myself in sprawling forests, green oceans of ancient trees standing sentinel as I journeyed amongst them. Within I have discovered long lost ruins, crumbled brick and stone as taciturn and lonely as a forgotten secret. What did I find inside? Sometimes treasure beyond my wildest dreams, sometimes horrors above my rawest nightmares, but the anticipation ahead of their exposure was the greatest prize. The bolt of expectation as the key turns in the lock was all that mattered.<br />
<br />
I have spoken with necromancers, wizards and warlocks of all creeds. I have aided or disrupted the plans of eternal beings, creatures that have forced their way into our dimension uninvited have either been allowed to roam free, or banished back from whence they came.<br />
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I have even reasoned with dragons, scaled Gods of fire and greed, and been rewarded with the lavish gift of their very tongue, words of such potency they could be wielded as a devastating weapon.<br />
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What else is left to desire after a communion with such boundless power?<br />
<br />
What about true tests of the reflexes, where the eyes and the hands must work as one like nowhere else? What of the unblinking duel of the arena?<br />
<br />
What of the thrill of leader-board dominance, the chase for that match-winning kill in battles of high-speed skill and balletic movement? The knowledge that every kill was being matched by your rivals, the climb to the top of the table a neck-and-neck dead heat of focused intensity?<br />
<br />
Frantic, breathless competition played out almost at the speed of light. The awareness that your aim had to be true, and the cold ache that the shot may have gone astray. I often prayed they would hit.<i> Please, let them hit. They must</i>. Because my rivals did. Somebody pulled clear. Somebody, and in rare instances <i>I</i> was that somebody, <i>always</i> pulled clear. It is another of the constants I have found.<br />
<br />
But if it wasn't you? You were running out of time. Falling behind was unthinkable. Only the numbers mattered. The clock never looks over its shoulder at the ones to be left behind. It rushes to acclaim the gifted, leaving the failed resentful and forgotten, as scorned as the unfavoured son erased from the family tree.<br />
<br />
Yes, I have proved myself against the best the world could offer, and found myself capable of great things. Things I will never forget. Things I feel a genuine pride at the reminiscing of.<br />
<br />
How have I achieved all this? <br />
<br />
How have I dethroned corrupt Kings, and crowned righteous Princes?<br />
<br />
How have I slain horrors and cradled dreams?<br />
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How have I seen every corner of our world and thousands of others?<br />
<br />
How have I sailed among the stars, travelled so far for so long?<br />
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How have I wrote myself into myth, and enjoyed the company of legend?<br />
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How have I worn so many faces, shared so many lives and chose the course of so many futures?<br />
<br />
How have I died such a multitude of times, yet been reborn with ambition shining from my heart?<br />
<br />
The exact same way you have, fellow traveller. <br />
<br />
The games. <i>Our</i> games. The alternate lives we love.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, you'll forget what brought you here. <i>We all will</i>. But there will be moments when the wonder returns, and you'll remember exactly why this is what you love. All the dark clouds of cynicism will clear, the sour taste of change will fade in your mouth as you are transported back to when you could wish for nothing else but <i>just one more life</i>. <i>Just one more go</i>.<br />
<br />
Your passion will be renewed.<br />
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You will be back at the start.<br />
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<i>Press Start.</i><br />
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<b>Now, tell me what <i>you've</i> seen.</b> <br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-76733003781522504212013-10-06T13:57:00.003+01:002013-10-06T13:57:59.373+01:00Hello on Sunday!Hello.<br />
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How are you?<br />
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Yeah, I'm alright mate.<br />
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So this week I'm going to experiment with the 'magazine' format, which means a few paragraphs on a few different topics. Because it seems like less work.<br />
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Before we begin, I'd like to put a <b>FUNNY PAINTING OF A MONKEY</b> here:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7DOqXKwRqib4ooJ_jB98hud1Esc0km7oSl2aZ9UnlOX8iuxmQ_pj86YhBUdD8Zb-R6gVycDx561HLdpufBmo-LRlhnsXHlZiGujbRb17IvpjHncaaiT7csvp5dfErPJWGqjsna5km15A/s1600/01d0af4d92b1042f5564d05bee1eb3b6-painting-of-chimp-in-a-dress-with-cat-in-a-box.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7DOqXKwRqib4ooJ_jB98hud1Esc0km7oSl2aZ9UnlOX8iuxmQ_pj86YhBUdD8Zb-R6gVycDx561HLdpufBmo-LRlhnsXHlZiGujbRb17IvpjHncaaiT7csvp5dfErPJWGqjsna5km15A/s1600/01d0af4d92b1042f5564d05bee1eb3b6-painting-of-chimp-in-a-dress-with-cat-in-a-box.jpg" height="425" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cat...it's smoking a cigarette...I need this on my wall. Make it happen, internet.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h4>
</h4>
<h3>
Item #1: Oh dear, console people!</h3>
<br />
It appears that HD gaming is once again about to elude our primitive console brethren, as <a href="http://www.dualshockers.com/2013/09/29/xbox-one-retail-version-of-battlefield-4-will-still-run-at-720p-60-fps-ea-representative-confirms/" target="_blank">this clickable bit of text</a> confirms. Some impressive, important EA suit has confirmed that AAA-rated, massively-marketed hype-fest shooting/murdering game Battlefield 4 will run at a distinctly last-gen 720p! Not too great considering this title will be a 'system seller'!<br />
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And this isn't just afflicting the laughably inferior Xbox One, DICE (the Swedish girls responsible for BF4) have claimed the title will have the same resolution and framerate on both systems! So if you're feeling smug about pre-ordering a PlayStation 4...don't. This is undoubtedly going to be a common occurrence. You're going to be buying deliberately weakened titles, as the publishers can't possibly allow massive (and developers are already muttering about the gulf in performance between the two systems) variances between the two console versions! Still, there's always those system exclusives to cling to...hurray for £400 + of backwards! But NEW!<br />
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My quotable view: The men twiddling with two little rubber sticks don't care about quality anyway, they just want NEW NEW NEW, IS IT NEW? I LOVE NEW! So nevermind, gentlemen.<br />
<h3>
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<h3>
Item #2: Auto-aim versus CS:GO.</h3>
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Only two days ago a bloke tried to tell me that being good at Call Of Duty was the same as being good at CounterStrike: Global Offensive. Can you imagine how my brain convulsed? I tried to explain that all console titles feature a degree of auto-aim. They have to. <i>They</i> <i>have to</i>. The control interface requires tons of smoothing, to control the inherent problems of aiming using analogue sticks. In other words, the inherent <i>rubbishness</i> and <i>clumsy insanity</i> of using two sticks to control what is essentially a cursor has to be controlled via software. No question. It is known.<br />
<br />
It's a bit like trying to butter a delicious piece of fresh toast, but with the knife attached to the end of a twelve-feet long pole. Probably using Sellotape. Not Blu-Tack. No, I'd say Sellotape for sure. Yes. And the aim assist would be a hand steadying the pole, perhaps even holding the knife a bit. See?<br />
<br />
So I explained that CS:GO <i>does not</i> have health regeneration, it <i>does not</i> have AI controlled prizes for linking kills together, it <i>does not</i> have a bottomless amount of ammo per weapon, it DOES HAVE a truly challenging level of recoil to contend with, it <i>does not</i> have an enormous radius of splash damage for grenades...but most importantly for this chatter, it <i>does not</i> have any form of aim assist. None.<br />
<br />
You're on your own, man. Like Bear Grylls minus his camera crew, sound team and make-up artists.<br />
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Maybe this is why it's recognised as the benchmark for competitive shooters. Not just by me, but by the competition organisers, the hardware manufacturers, the professional players, the serious gaming journalists...probably even the old lady that lives next door knows it. And her budgie, Clive.<br />
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Hmm. I've lost the point here. Ah, that's right! So this chap said it's all about awareness, movement and timing, which to a point is true. But when you have an arsenal of hidden helpers with you, it makes it all that much easier.<br />
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My quotable view: Being decent at CS:GO gives you the moral high-ground to widdle from a great height onto players of ANY other shooter. Especially thumb-swingers.<br />
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<h3>
</h3>
<h3>
Item #3: Grand Theft Auto 5 or 'V' if you love Roman numerals and the mock importance they somehow signify.</h3>
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I can't play GTA5 yet, because I'm a PC gamer. So instead I reinstalled GTA4, in order to satisfy the urge I had to revisit one of the best franchises in gaming history. And it worked, actually.<br />
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So much so that I probably won't bother with GTA5 when/if it eventually gets a terrible, buggy port over to the one true platform. Unless I fall victim to the tsunami of hype generated by this game.<br />
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Which I probably will. It's that font they use. It's hypnotic and alluring, like YouTube videos of cats in shoe-boxes. <br />
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It's just a bunch of fetch quests anyway, man. Like Skyrim, but with more angular, jagged strippers.<br />
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Drive here, drive there, shoot this, pick up that. All of it easy. No real enemy AI to speak of.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, the sandbox element is amusing enough, but the actual progression through the story is kinda repetitive.<br />
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And that intrusive 'like-o-meter' thing? No, I don't want to play pool with you, just-out-of-prison man I've only known for two minutes. Let's just see how the night goes first, slow down Romeo.<br />
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My quotable view: When games are as generally good as the Grand Theft Auto series, one can usually cure the hype-lust for the new version. At least for a while.<br />
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<h3>
</h3>
<h3>
Item #4: The Battlefield 4 open beta. Or demo. Or whichever it is.</h3>
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I have played the beta for about 15 minutes. It looks and sounds identical to BF3, to me anyway.<br />
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I was pleased to see my ageing system will run it at a decent level (decent for PC, it will smash the console version. Are you kidding me?).<br />
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Will I use the beta as intended? Will I provide feedback? Will I look out for bugs and report them? Will I study the UI and offer any suggestions for improvement? Will I assess weapon balance and outline any unintentional flaws in the programming?<br />
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No. I'll let people who know better worry about all that. I'll just run about, glancing at the mini-map with despair, wondering where the hell I'm supposed to be going, trying to make sense of all the glowing icons littering my screen until I finally succumb and stash myself away in the back of an empty shop, peering over the counter at nothing.<br />
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My quotable view: BF4 looks like BF3. Which is fine I suppose. For mainstream, combined arms style games (that's infantry and vehicular squabbling) what choices are there, really? I honestly found Planetside 2 impenetrably dull, and ARMA 3 is intended for nutters that want to own REAL guns in REAL life. No I don't want to join your survivalist Steam group, cheers anyway...*gulp*<br />
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To conclude this weekends offering, I'd like to direct your attention to this:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFmOb1AG0y4ejLnWHxxPgoXhyBwYFurmp43zr67xnauUFOMpIPiGBs-Hr2zT9e7OZ0xQe4COByyOwvrro8m1Pt01q-LUwA9KlxdyRS2iDO0zjj5w8Ntj1AcF_HQezAGIlK8w6xTwMvzVg/s1600/original.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFmOb1AG0y4ejLnWHxxPgoXhyBwYFurmp43zr67xnauUFOMpIPiGBs-Hr2zT9e7OZ0xQe4COByyOwvrro8m1Pt01q-LUwA9KlxdyRS2iDO0zjj5w8Ntj1AcF_HQezAGIlK8w6xTwMvzVg/s1600/original.jpg" height="305" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">....</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Many thanks for holding your bloated, swaying heads steady for long enough to shovel these words into your brains! No, I really mean that. I am as sincere as a policeman.<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*Yes.</span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-9151765960546124232013-09-29T13:07:00.000+01:002013-09-29T13:07:30.991+01:00Negativity makes a comeback!Hello!<br />
<br />
I haven't written anything lately because...well, I have no excuse except good, old fashioned laziness.<br />
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So, allow me to compensate you with some of the most moving, brilliant, inspired and creative writing you will <i>ever </i>see in a gaming blog read by about forty people! I guarantee delight!<br />
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This week I want your thoughts on something quite unusual. I want you to help me decide if I have inadvertently become something terrible. I want you to consider the scant evidence I am about to place limply before you, like exhibits in a particularly tedious fly-tipping court case, and promptly form an opinion which will either condemn or exonerate me. Yes, I am at your mercy, Sir. <br />
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The accusation that has been levelled at me is...am I a <i>negatively-minded</i> gamer?<br />
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A negatively-minded gamer. I know right now you're thinking 'What the hell? I was expecting something serious, something with some intellectual content to sink my metaphorical teeth into, and instead I get THIS?!?', but being branded with this filth has wounded me, friend.<br />
<br />
Right, into it. A few nights ago I was enjoying some CS:GO with a pal of mine, and as we played we discussed general blah blah about various. If you have read this electronic leaflet before, you will be aware that I despise people discussing cauliflowers, ladders, foreheads etc. over the in-game voice chat while the game is 'in play', as you cannot hear a bloody thing as their reedy, faux-jaded voices mask every single useful audible clue to the enemies whereabouts.<br />
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These voices belong to either high-pitched squeakers boasting of their hip-hop sexual prowess, or morose students claiming everything is boring in a flat, monotone drone regularly punctuated with derisive snorts. Both types are unaware of how agonisingly, crushingly generic they are. Scum!<br />
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As my chum and I continued, obviously we encountered lots of these types and I moaned and bitched accordingly, like one of those guests in the audience of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' that sits there gently shaking their head and pulling a face, as if they are <i>faaaaaar</i> too good to even be there.<br />
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Then we set about discussing the upcoming releases, was I interested or intrigued by any, to which I responded with an assortment of huffs, puffs and blowing his optimistic house down.<br />
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Or, in actual language, I said no, not really, as the same irritating kids will infest all the upcoming titles with their rubbish attitude to team objectives and their gleeful on-mic revelations about how they noisily pleasured my Mother the night before 'Ya get me bruv innit batty boi sick'.<br />
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I recounted my mixed experiences with the Battlefield franchise, how I was constantly driven insane with disbelief as one of my 'team' sprinted to the armoured personnel carrier and drove away at speed, leaving several out-of-breath comrades chasing breathlessly after him like a gang of obese cheetahs pursuing an athletic wildebeest. Or something.<br />
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And if you did manage to get to the drivers seat first, and if you did manage to stealthily trundle unnoticed along one of the few flanking routes, your cover would be blown as one of the cocks in your squad would decide to 'test the guns' mounted on the vehicle, thus instantly revealing you to every RPG-toting/C4 explosive wielding baddie in the area. <br />
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Then he quizzed me on my views of the Steam OS and the Steam PC/console hybrid thingies that are en route, and again, I blew out my cheeks and released a sigh. Nah, not bothered about them. Early adopters can give the feedback and publicise the bugs, I'll ignore it all until then I grumped.<br />
<br />
I think this the point where I was labelled a negative gamer. Me!?<br />
<br />
I instantly mute everyone, I always think the worst of other players, I refuse to diversify with my gaming tastes, I only trust Valve...these are a few of the things he accused me of, but the most cutting of them was how I am rigid in my prejudices of games and gamers. I choose something, then discard and mentally discredit the rest, like some sort of entertainment butcher, herding other people and their preferences into the slaughterhouse to be anally electrocuted and turned into a sandwich. Yum!*<br />
<br />
To him, at that particular point in the evening, the following image is me:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjC5YbcpthL1Sise7fK1vvyZDLpyi5spo85UFXZ3fso8lYoAjixvyCD6FHlHoI2WsswoM7yJajczDuq3s8qEa8NY6B5Hg8bD89ARe6D20WzUlUnfzoN8XjaN04rqGB_JdVdJuF-19pWJg/s1600/img-thing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjC5YbcpthL1Sise7fK1vvyZDLpyi5spo85UFXZ3fso8lYoAjixvyCD6FHlHoI2WsswoM7yJajczDuq3s8qEa8NY6B5Hg8bD89ARe6D20WzUlUnfzoN8XjaN04rqGB_JdVdJuF-19pWJg/s1600/img-thing.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Consoles? You mean those devices they use to distract poor children from their hunger?"</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So there you have it. In my defence, I have been playing games for a long time, and in that time I have made lots of virtual friends within one game or another.<br />
<br />
But of late...I don't know if it's just because I'm at the upper end of gaming demographics or what, but I tend to apply the standards I expect from other gamers to my own behaviour. I don't subject other players to a deafening commentary whilst I do my thing, I don't feel I have to spam the chatbox with bait to get some kind of furious <i>I-want-to-find-you-and-stab-you</i> reaction from the person that just killed me, and I usually attempt to put a bit of effort into teamwork using the in-game communication tools provided. Credit to team, no?<br />
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Or am I missing out on some hidden fun? Should I throw my babble onto the enormous pile found in online gaming? Should I try to organise a knife fight in a pub car-park with the next gentleman that beheads me with an AWP? All these things are easily achievable!<br />
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So do I seem negative? Or am I exactly where I should be with my attitude?<br />
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Your verdict matters. Or not. You can decide. Or not! I could do this forever.<br />
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Anyway, many thanks for reading as usual, and apologies to the people that have been visiting only to find I have been absent. I am a horrible person and you deserve better. Ridiculous!<br />
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Come to think of it , there's enough stuff in the archive for you to read if you're that bothered, don't pretend you already have, the <b>NUMBERS DON'T LIE</b>. I know you haven't. You think I enjoy this?<br />
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Next Sunday: Something shocking, a true exclusive! Honest!<br />
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GL & HF! <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(unless you're negative like me)</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*'Yum' for the sandwich, not the.....oh, you got it. Good.</span><br />
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AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-76887327173981169662013-09-01T14:28:00.000+01:002013-09-01T14:28:09.634+01:00The only genre guide you'll ever need!Have a nice Sunday!<br />
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Hello, it's me. This week I'd like to explain to you what a genre is!<br />
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This information will help you select games that are to your liking, and will hopefully assist you in steering clear of titles that will make you weep like a Victorian-era war widow! And that.<br />
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So, a genre (pronounced jjawn-ruh) is basically a category into which video games are slotted, like a biscuit being inserted lovingly into a fat man's mouth. These categories often contain some wholly unnecessary sub-categories, but as I'm not the type of bloke that gets a kick out of making people feel confused and inferior we'll just ignore all that crap, friend!<br />
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And, as you've read this far, I'm going to assume you're not one of those impatient <b>angries</b> that tears people to pieces (with words) for some sort of minor factual inaccuracy, so we're good to go!<br />
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The following is an exhaustive list of video game genres assembled through my many years of gaming experience. Examples of each genre will also be provided. I am too kind, I know.<br />
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<h3>
Genre #1: First Person Shooters.</h3>
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A First Person Shooter (or FPS) is a game in which you invariably play some sort of soldier, and you are only able to see your weapon, or the hands that hold your weapon. Hence 'First Person'.<br />
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I think that's right. Yeah, we'll run with that. <br />
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These games are all about coldly murdering whoever you encounter for the flimsiest of reasons, but you'll be given some kind of persuasive blah by your duplicitous commanders in an attempt to numb the distaste you feel as you stab a poor, unaware character in the neck with a piece of jagged metal for a reason that you're not exactly clear about. Yuck and ouch, brother. Ironically, the other guy will be trying to do the same thing to YOU for the same unknown reasons. War is a <i>tragedy</i> :(<br />
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You will shoot, then shoot some more. You will have a score. You will have lots of numbers to record your senseless extinguishing of life with, and you will feel an intense emptiness as you realise it is all meaningless. You may even drop to the floor in your room, curled into a ball weeping!<br />
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Here is a picture of an FPS game in action:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrAeMw5aV8u5wQhTcvJ3MbnZ1TpohYojeAIQzhsfk13OQMofKVC9diMQ6endKjhsyXBJ9UC3XBdB5is5lfV3ATwy5vdyELnpbxDxqsKhLV3WaNii6LrXgFM7JiOy2g6r1OdhzZNRz0ZEg/s1600/article-0-14D9FBE9000005DC-394_634x419.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrAeMw5aV8u5wQhTcvJ3MbnZ1TpohYojeAIQzhsfk13OQMofKVC9diMQ6endKjhsyXBJ9UC3XBdB5is5lfV3ATwy5vdyELnpbxDxqsKhLV3WaNii6LrXgFM7JiOy2g6r1OdhzZNRz0ZEg/s1600/article-0-14D9FBE9000005DC-394_634x419.jpg" height="263" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">n00bs enjoying a frantic pWn, yesterday.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Examples of FPS titles are Team Fortress, Counter-Strike, Battlefield, Call Of Duty....there are literally <i>too many</i> for me to list here. Absolutely <i>loads.</i><br />
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Are they all pointedly different? No, not really. The players will all rabidly defend/promote their FPS franchise of choice, whilst at the same time rubbishing others, but it's all nonsense. Some of the titles above are chasing the same huge audience, so it's sort of obvious they will overlap in some areas, no?<br />
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<b>ATTENTION</b>: FPS players tend to be a bit aggressive when it comes to discussing games.<br />
<h3>
<br />Genre #2: Role Playing Games.</h3>
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A Role Playing Game (or RPG) is a title in which you are <i>always </i>the sole living heir to something, or an unknowing chosen one, or
some historically important reincarnation of someone that emerges at
exactly the right time to avert an oncoming disaster. <i>Always.</i> Always you. Sigh.<br />
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These games are story-driven epics, involving you beginning as a dirt-eating simpleton, rotting your monochrome life away in a urine-stained village in the back of nowhere, and then progressing on to become a golden-haired body-builder possessing several NVQs in killing baddies and rescuing toffs and their various pets etc.<br />
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You will be required to 'level up', which means get better at hitting things, stealing things, threatening people etc. Levelling up is a bit like having a can of strong cider, the more you have the better you get at certain tasks, like kicking over your neighbours bin or shouting at a bus, for example.<br />
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The majority of your time spent in an RPG, however, will be spent doing things that have nothing to do with the main plot. You will be told, right at the start, that the Earth is about to implode unless you (and ONLY you) find & unite the eleven shattered pieces of the mythical mirror of Izgrathankmuth or whatever the hell it is in that particular instance. <br />
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Sounds serious, yeah? Pretty urgent, no? Maybe a priority? Nah.<br />
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Inexplicably, people that live in this world and are very, very aware that they are about to have their lungs burnt off and their faces flung into the freezing depths of space (if you don't get your skates on) will mither you with the most unbelievable requests!<br />
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"Hail hero, I have misplaced my antique chair in yonder no quick-travel woodland!"<br />
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"Would you help an old man gather 25 leaves from the other side of the enormous map?"<br />
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"I can train you to ride fish in return for your assistance in combing my back"<br />
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Amazing. You'd think they'd be desperate for you to get on with it, wouldn't you? Gah!<br />
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Have a look through the window of an RPG:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil74Zl2zdJzRONOlf_tjN9TJDSloLpsOD8olorRhOXY85acNGDIhZElIk2_CYuhgIHt7px6xj9sopbK2v_-FQ3Ay763n7oWgbplz-tqC-oOsZxSw7adCoMFeCi7alj3DiL6kJBSFUH0u0/s1600/7071-Shining2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil74Zl2zdJzRONOlf_tjN9TJDSloLpsOD8olorRhOXY85acNGDIhZElIk2_CYuhgIHt7px6xj9sopbK2v_-FQ3Ay763n7oWgbplz-tqC-oOsZxSw7adCoMFeCi7alj3DiL6kJBSFUH0u0/s1600/7071-Shining2.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! *canned laughter*</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Some RPG's of note are The Elder Scrolls series, the Final Fantasy series and the Dragon Age games.<br />
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Do they all differ? Yeah, the stories are pretty diverse, but the methods used in completing the tasks are kinda usual in most of them, really. So it's sort of like buying a book. Pick the story you want to be involved in, Son, the gaming element will take care of itself.<br />
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<b>NOTICE: </b>RPG players tend to produce lots of horrible 'fan-fiction' which clutters up Google when you're trying to get a walk-through guide or some such.<br />
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<h3>
Genre #3: Racing games.</h3>
<br />
A racing game is....a game in which you race. Cars, usually. These games don't tend to have anything meaningful in terms of characters, just lots of images of cars. So if you like cars, you'll like these.<br />
<br />
Customisation is the hot thing in racing games these days. Physics, track design and race options are becoming secondary concerns next to games featuring the ability to draw naughty things on the side of your virtual car!<br />
<br />
A survey of twelve year old boys was conducted globally via Xbox Live recently, the point of which was to establish what users thought the top three most desirable & offensive images are to feature in any in-game emblem design. The results were:<br />
<ol>
<li>A swastika</li>
<li>A penis</li>
<li>A swastika made from penises.</li>
</ol>
Pretty conclusive stuff, many thanks to Microsoft for this invaluable data!<br />
<br />
Anyway, look at this picture of a racing game:<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM5Zsbe8-rAuDPk568uPZncL0O4GceZLC6wRMkWAeBz977vemUTaoB_VAuQopm5QdiFMX9F-bB0EZ8Xrw2fEbc5sazb8fTwTajWac46UPMrBEgcoA4s0J69faLqPpPyRP6OFl_V5ZUlVM/s1600/Metropolis+Street+Racer2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM5Zsbe8-rAuDPk568uPZncL0O4GceZLC6wRMkWAeBz977vemUTaoB_VAuQopm5QdiFMX9F-bB0EZ8Xrw2fEbc5sazb8fTwTajWac46UPMrBEgcoA4s0J69faLqPpPyRP6OFl_V5ZUlVM/s1600/Metropolis+Street+Racer2.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, I used to love this!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Gran Turismo and Forza Motorsport are both racing game franchises. There are lots of others, but most of them are either bad or far too hardcore for the less.....committed gamer, shall we say?<br />
<br />
<b>SOMETHING ELSE: </b>The 'Need For Speed' series used to be great, but nowadays it is aimed at twelve year old gangster rappers desperate to escape the oppression of the po-leese. Hmph.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Genre #4: Beat 'em ups.</h3>
<br />
No. Go to the archive if you need reminding why.<br />
<h3>
<br />Genre #5: Massively Multiplayer Online games.</h3>
<br />
A Massively Multiplayer Online game (MMO) is a game wherein....you know, I have never actually played one of these. I know a bloke that plays absolutely nothing but Star Wars: The Old Republic on his swanky new PC, which seems a criminal waste to me, but there you go. He's a clan leader and all that, active in the community for that particular game and he generally speaks well of it.<br />
<br />
I gave it a bash when it was featured as a free weekend title on Steam a while ago, and I hated it. I'm ashamed to say I was just confused. These titles seem so complex on the surface, impenetrable to an ignorant reactionary like me. I just couldn't get psyched to learn, man.<br />
<br />
These games generate massive cash for their respective publishers though, as all the players have a subscription thing going on, or if it's a free to play title they'll cough up for items and the like. Seems like a lot of money gets whizzed about in the world of MMO, sister. But the experience is probably the better for it, with all that guaranteed cash flowing in and being spent on new content, various stuff like updates and improvements and all that. Maybe I'd like it if I gave it a go? Dunno, really.<br />
<br />
Here is a photo of what I think an MMO looks like:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNjBLtt-q4ggjn0K1cvu5JI2Nw3t-ZStjfAM4m_lXtYo452wUx-6VeG84PfUvRlStIYedjrR-EzRJh3Z_EeKem3MCR-EJ1593ylbzN4yQfiqWJfRfwuGoCrm8buDdiwWozbzOr76Dmy2A/s1600/MMO-Dudes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNjBLtt-q4ggjn0K1cvu5JI2Nw3t-ZStjfAM4m_lXtYo452wUx-6VeG84PfUvRlStIYedjrR-EzRJh3Z_EeKem3MCR-EJ1593ylbzN4yQfiqWJfRfwuGoCrm8buDdiwWozbzOr76Dmy2A/s1600/MMO-Dudes.jpg" height="312" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cheapest of shots is always so tempting to the weakest of writers :(</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
As the mildly offensive image above suggests, these games usually overlap into RPG territory, so they have the strengths and weaknesses of that genre also. Pretty factual stuff this, eh?<br />
<br />
World Of Warcraft and the aforementioned Star Wars title are the only ones I know of, so feel free to shout any others at your screens...<u><b>NOW. GO. SHOUT THEM. SHOUT THEM NOW.</b></u> Thanks.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Genre# 6: Real-Time Strategy.</h3>
<br />
Real-Time Strategy (RTS). In the dominant military RTS world, you basically order things to kill other things, without actually getting your hands dirty yourself. Think of it as a bit of a military command simulator, with yourself cast as the man safely tucked up at home as you send scores of scared, nervous recruits blinking tears from their eyes to their graves at the click of a button. So real!<br />
<br />
Yeah, so you command things. And manage resources. And balance budgets. And develop tactics.<br />
<br />
I know that doesn't seem very inspiring as a gaming concept but it's actually rather good. There's something super satisfying about squeezing a victory from limited resources, or turning a losing fight into a throat-stomping win. Overcoming the odds is the name of the game! Or not!<br />
<br />
The better mobile games are all RTS, too. The touch-screen interface was made for RTS games.<br />
<br />
Have a sly look, and notice the monkey enjoying my post this week:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqvtCvlyHd_ZosvrnH_cvw1s6_V7CWnkb8AM7PEGO5-8mz3fXlRPoSy0rD-YIXAg8pBoN_B-VzU5jlwQdtUhq1Wdup3Xq1gZrgzQB2bXVsewYlTj6wd_4OhZtEq6PQJMaK1ZaQiF-NzdE/s1600/190472-header.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqvtCvlyHd_ZosvrnH_cvw1s6_V7CWnkb8AM7PEGO5-8mz3fXlRPoSy0rD-YIXAg8pBoN_B-VzU5jlwQdtUhq1Wdup3Xq1gZrgzQB2bXVsewYlTj6wd_4OhZtEq6PQJMaK1ZaQiF-NzdE/s1600/190472-header.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A cutting-edge ripped-off RTS in action</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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As you can see, RTS doesn't just encompass war. You can RTS in the world of business, you can RTS in the world of football, hairdressing, supermarkets...endless stuff. Although I am eager to hear of an RTS based on chavs, wherein you plot tactics for scrapping with policemen, manage your resources in order to purchase another tattoo on your lower leg, and successfully upgrade your wardrobe to the top of the chav wardrobe tech tree (100% replica football shirts). Come on developers, deliver!<br />
<br />
Examples of RTS games are Football Manager, Dawn Of War and the Total War series. Unique thing about RTS is they are usually all very different from each other, so that's a big plus point.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Genre#7: Platform games.</h3>
<br />
Why are they called platform games? Well, you run about and jump from platform to platform. Too complex for you? Then how are you here reading this?<br />
<br />
Platformers are retro. Old school. Archaic. See, at the time technology dictated what you could and couldn't do as a game developer. But nowadays the world is their oyster, and they can pretty much do everything they imagine. So run-jump-run-duck-jump has been left behind a little.<br />
<br />
Or has it? The glorious PC (the only gaming platform that matters) enjoys a wealth of extremely high quality platform games at the moment, with more added regularly. Games like Mark Of The Ninja will blow your monocle out with the quality of the experience on offer, old-school sideways action built upon contemporary design standards and incredible depth of play. Delicious!<br />
<br />
And the consoles have contributed too, with LittleBigPlanet teaming basic, charming gameplay with a brilliantly simple 'create your own content' interface. All good stuff, let's be honest.<br />
<br />
Let's look at a fantastic platformer here:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihmlteZ0QG8prSlEeUYDHsennbcnVu9wj_J3-aud8eo63QO-qEw8VgqzXkHfLvp9bbfZNf0TVPCTTZHlYOImVD4cHuy0HvHuBzq0N5XTnXdubitq7Uk8ZBN52b5qeZfGWdayTpdjrw6P4/s1600/220px-Donkey_Kong_Screen_3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihmlteZ0QG8prSlEeUYDHsennbcnVu9wj_J3-aud8eo63QO-qEw8VgqzXkHfLvp9bbfZNf0TVPCTTZHlYOImVD4cHuy0HvHuBzq0N5XTnXdubitq7Uk8ZBN52b5qeZfGWdayTpdjrw6P4/s1600/220px-Donkey_Kong_Screen_3.png" height="320" width="280" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two monkeys in this weeks post, nice.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Hmm famous platform games....hmm. Let me think. Give me a minute. Er...<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
No, no it's gone. Can't think of any. Sorry. Was on the tip of my tongue.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Genre#8: There is no #8. </h3>
<br />
And that concludes this weeks effort from me. I hope you now understand the subtle differences between the genres, and can now select your next game purchase with confidence, instead of sitting with a few games in your basket on Amazon with a faceache born from indecision.<br />
<br />
Also, I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I hated writing it. It was horrible! Nah it was OK.<br />
<br />
Thanks for coming and I'll see you soon.<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-71219004350108076082013-08-25T12:46:00.000+01:002013-08-27T13:02:19.678+01:00Two newish bad things?Hello there, beautiful reader! May I say you're looking feisty today?<br />
<br />
Last week I posted NOTHING, because I went out the night before. And, as I'm about as tolerant to alcohol as a newborn baby, the four drinks I had wreaked a terrible, terrible havoc on my existence. I just can't function with booze in the pipes, son. I am alcoholic half-man.<br />
<br />
This, of course, is in direct contradiction to when I used to <i>adore</i> becoming senseless through drink, loudly slur-shouting affectionate remarks along with my pals, thusly:<br />
<br />
"We don't do this enough"<br />
"You're a top guy you" <br />
"We should do this more"<br />
"I love you man"<br />
"This has been the best night of my life" <br />
"Let's pretend you're a woman"<br />
<br />
All these remarks are punctuated with clumsy embraces, breathing heavily through noses and pairs of rolling, uncontrollable eyes. And all these remarks will be repeated forever and ever, by fresh groups of tanked-up brothers, because<i> that's what you do when you're out with your mates</i>.<br />
<br />
Having a willingness to spend most of the next day silently sulking like a teenage girl, occasionally dashing to gush frothy spew into the throne helps, also<i>. </i>But you get the picture!<br />
<br />
But then, gradually, you become less and less arsed about the whole thing, as you notice you just can't muster the mental strength required to stand in some dimly lit bunker at 2am anymore, screaming a conversation to your best bud as he falls asleep on his feet beside you.<br />
<br />
You change, man.<br />
<br />
But these changes happen over such a period of time that you don't really notice, until one evening you suddenly realise 'Wow, I'm not really enjoying this like I did. I'm not gonna get smashed tonight'.<br />
<br />
And then, from that moment, everything is different. Sigh.<br />
<br />
You might be wondering why the hairy hell I'm trying to induce a fit of melancholy onto you? <br />
<br />
Well, I was thinking of a couple of things I've noticed lately about gaming that never used to exist but now they do. See? See the connection to all that crapola above? Do you see?<br />
<br />
These two things have crept up mostly unnoticed by me, but I'm sure they are new. And they are very unwelcome, Sir. They are changes that have happened invisibly around me, and dash it all I don't like it! Just like my weakness and fear of alcoholic drinks!<br />
<br />
(Just ramming home the connection to the opening material, kids.)<br />
<br />
OK, let us begin.<br />
<br />
<h4>
1. People constantly talking all the time about nothing at all but all the time forever and ever always.</h4>
<h4>
</h4>
Firstly, I'm all for communication in gaming. I comprehend and accept the value of players working together, sharing information and developing a plan of action. I love that stuff, really.<br />
I used to play Left4Dead a lot with three chaps. A bloke I actually worked with, a nice German man and a mostly silent Finnish teenager. We played versus mode a lot, and became very good at it.<br />
<br />
Obviously, key to this success was communication. We would chat away about the everyday stuff between rounds (except the Finnish guy), or after the game had been won (except the Finnish guy), but during the rounds the only talk was of an informative nature (particularly the Finnish guy). It may sound daft, but it added to the immersion endlessly, and increased the intensity by a lot of percents. Because we weren't filling the air with nonsense we could hear all the various audio cues available in the game (the Boomer spawn, the Smoker mucking about behind a fence and all that).<br />
<br />
So we gave ourselves an advantage, Miss. And we caused biblical amounts of rage-quittery! Yeah!<br />
<br />
Now contrast this with my Counter-Strike: Global Offensive experience of late. Dear Dog...<br />
<br />
Why do people feel they have to be speaking all the time? I want to try to hear footsteps, I want to try to locate weapons fire. I bought some fancy headphones to do this, not to hear your opinions on weapons balance, or map rotation, or your review of other players in the game. Just shut it, Son!<br />
<br />
But most of the time the waffle isn't even connected to the game! I don't care what you had for lunch, I have no interest in what you're doing next Tuesday, I don't care which YouTube videos you claim to be watching as you wait to spawn. Just shut up and let me play! Shut up! <br />
<br />
It's not just CS:GO. All games have been infested with ignorant, rambling fools chattering away just because they can. That's all it is. They don't even want to, but they feel compelled to. And then the responding voices start nagging on about something completely unrelated. So it's blah blah blah as I try to quickly mute everybody as fast as I can. Then I get killed as a result. A direct result of their sickening unwanted talk! Gah! Shut your head!<br />
<br />
I yearn with all my heart for a 'mute all' button in every game. In fact, everybody should be muted by default, requiring you to <i>choose</i> if you wish to hear their reedy, faux-jaded student voices repeating whatever rehashed meme they have 'discovered' that day. Just shut up! Shut your mouth!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCAGcRsFe3D6kdHSN16KVYqylt8JqdjsNFHLxx2AsejUB4TrgNrnRNiuJxezoUFewDzftHAJQ87d8PPT98EVy6vT6YfkMpCFXcYDBzLXR_O4jHzkIMWoROOeMOuIB5QDF-QEMx-0VmWtw/s1600/xbox-live-gamer-nerd-rage-headset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCAGcRsFe3D6kdHSN16KVYqylt8JqdjsNFHLxx2AsejUB4TrgNrnRNiuJxezoUFewDzftHAJQ87d8PPT98EVy6vT6YfkMpCFXcYDBzLXR_O4jHzkIMWoROOeMOuIB5QDF-QEMx-0VmWtw/s1600/xbox-live-gamer-nerd-rage-headset.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">HAHAHA! I'M TALKING! ISN'T THIS GREAT, I'M TALKING! TALK TALK TALK! LET'S ALL TALK ALL THE TIME! </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<h4>
2. What is a YouTube commentator and why?</h4>
<br />
What is it? Honestly, I need a clear explanation. To me, it looks like someone playing a game and doing loads of annoying talking over the top of the footage. Like going into an art gallery, and the tour guide starts writing notes all over the paintings with a bingo marker. Am I not getting it?<br />
<br />
Why don't people just play the games? They need the experience validating by a chattering person?<br />
I have honestly never watched someone else play a game I own at length. Never. Why would I?<br />
<br />
I had a brief look at some of the 'celebrity' YouTube people before I started writing this, and it seems to be lots of stating the obvious, lots of 80's sitcom-standard forced laughter at not very funny things, and massive, conspicuous amounts of self-promotion. Honestly, I watched a seven minute video and the guy must have said the words 'follow' and 'subscribe' at least fifty times! I must be out of touch.<br />
<br />
The comments from 'fans' on these videos seem to indicate that the audience for this stuff is very young, yet on certain forums I've witnessed grown men bickering over some of these guys. It seems that the opinion of these guys matters just because they have one? What? Help me understand! Is it simply odd men-children wanting the admiration and adulation of kids, like this:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidkaEzvTNYYsCwNm8sqxwqDPaGIeSfe48LPH9cfojVW7qYUWsis5XW3EmhzrMAGIxD_9NJL0xR9fW2dS5o_Kx80UYZbZmTEYDZROtujoNZ0KtaO3svVfVoP_08zFLWXBNeHrQK3yLopdc/s1600/718039-king-of-the-kids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidkaEzvTNYYsCwNm8sqxwqDPaGIeSfe48LPH9cfojVW7qYUWsis5XW3EmhzrMAGIxD_9NJL0xR9fW2dS5o_Kx80UYZbZmTEYDZROtujoNZ0KtaO3svVfVoP_08zFLWXBNeHrQK3yLopdc/s1600/718039-king-of-the-kids.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Major YouTube commentator meets his subscribers, yesterday.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Or am I too thick to understand the value of watching someone else play a game I could be playing?<br />
Or is it all about wringing cash out of parents wallets, and these guys are like two-faced, greasy old burglars helping the big companies do it? I honestly have not even a hint of an idea. Help?<br />
<br />
I should add that I thought the videos I tried were crap. I laughed at none at them, I wasn't educated in any way. Much, much worse than my writing. I'm clearly better. Why am I not more famous??*<br />
<br />
Anyway, thanks for reading. Your viewing figures are very important to me & my huge ego.<br />
<br />
More words next week!<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*I have more readers than I ever expected! Thanks to all, and I promise I'll never sell out :)</span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-77136721571072997292013-08-18T12:05:00.000+01:002013-08-18T12:05:07.849+01:00PLACEHOLDER #1Hi, I am really busy. So instead of abandoning you completely, I decided I'd throw up a few videos that I watch on a weekly basis, so that you can hope to<i> be like me:</i><br />
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<span id="goog_1542959683">Thanks for watching someone elses work, now I'm going back to Skyrim.</span><br />
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<span id="goog_1542959683">GL & HF!</span><br />
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<span id="goog_1542959683" style="font-size: xx-small;">*Next post will make you cry, then laugh, then punch the air in delight. Or your money back. </span>AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-5218864743173328092013-08-04T11:03:00.000+01:002013-08-27T13:02:32.182+01:00MOAR Y U NO PC!Good day, mates!<br />
<br />
Last week I outlined in stunning clarity the reasons why you should consider a PC as your next gaming purchase, instead of a new console. If you didn't read it, then I simply must pity you, and inform you that your ignorance will be the source of society mocking you for the rest of your days. You will be forced out of your community, destined to live in the wilderness eating chunks of wet mud until you slip away unhappily one freezing night, grateful for the sweet release of death...Not really! I was being silly again.<br />
<br />
So it became apparent (following feedback some chavs had scratched onto my car with a rusty AA battery) that I missed a couple of minor points that needed to be shouted into the internet. So why on Earth not, eh?<br />
<br />
<h4>
Missed minor point number one: </h4>
<br />
Opting for a gaming PC at this crucial time for gaming will result in a slight mental health issue known amongst experts as 'Feeling-irrelevant-osis'. Every website you visit will be rabidly promoting new console games, every newspaper you pick up will feature whole-page adverts for new console games, all your friends & colleagues will be talking about new console games. <br />
<br />
The gaming world will be aflame with relentless promoting of console console console. Don't forget that major gaming websites are given....<i>incentives </i>in order to secure themselves early access to games for review purposes. Yes, I mean a metaphorical bag of cash.<br />
<br />
These websites then give favourable, often puzzlingly positive reviews in order to secure themselves early access to the <i>next</i> title out of the factory and so on and on and on. You see how it works, Son? You don't get it? What??<br />
<br />
OK, here. Imagine there are two monkeys that review bananas (monkey A and monkey B), and a third monkey that supplies bananas (monkey C).<br />
<br />
Banana-supply monkey C says to banana-review monkey A "Oo oo if you say me 'nana best, me give you more 'nana to say is good".<br />
<br />
Banana-review monkey A then tells the rest of the monkeys "Banana supply monkey gives best 'nana', you brainless, inbred macaque if you not agree. 9/10".<br />
<br />
Banana-review monkey B, meanwhile, says "Banana supply monkey C 'nanas not all that, girlfriend, you should wait before you rush whooping out of your tree to get his 'nanas".<br />
<br />
However, the gibbering pack of excitable, impatient monkeys want bananas NOW NOW NOW and therefore discredit banana-review monkey B due to his negative review material arriving weeeeeeeks later.<br />
<br />
....<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9/10 MINDBLOWING MUST-BUY!!!!!!</td></tr>
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Yeah, I know. Horrible, horrible writing. Here, forgive me with these points:<br />
<br />
<b>The point is you will need mental strength to be a PC gamer at the launch of new consoles.</b><br />
<br />
<b>You will be hurting to feel included in all the everything that is going on everywhere.</b><br />
<br />
<b>You will feel like you are on the outside of gaming for a while, but it will pass in roughly 3 months.</b><br />
<br />
OK, that was the first missed point. The second concerns what 'next-gen' actually means in relation to PC gaming. So let's get going, shall we?<br />
<h4>
<b> <br />Missed minor point number two:</b></h4>
<br />
The upcoming consoles will roughly be the equivalent, in terms of what you will see on your screens, of a current mid-range gaming PC. When I say mid-range, I mean about £700-800 worth.<br />
<br />
Scary numbers, eh? No, no, no. Let me adjust my elasticated waistband and explain.<br />
<br />
The consoles will be a match for mid-range gaming PCs for a few months. Bur, if you have the urge and the cash, you can simply upgrade yourself into the distance. Consoles are stuck at the same performance point forever.<i> Forever. </i>At the very least, <i>eight years.</i><br />
<br />
<b>The point is current mid-range gaming PCs are more than a match for the new wow amaaaaaazing consoles.</b><br />
<br />
<b>PC gamers have had those graphics for years. And better!</b><br />
<br />
<b>Mid-range PC will be comfortably ahead, in graphics power terms, of the consoles within 6 months. </b><br />
<br />
<b>The phrase 'next-gen' relates only to consoles catching up with the arse-end of PC gaming.</b><br />
<br />
Hmm, I'm a bit<i> too</i> pro-PC today.<b> </b>I'm feeling a bit snarky, to be honest.<b> </b>I watched 'Forrest Gump' last night, and it's left me rather emotional. That poor, sweet retard. Why did that movie not get a video game tie-in? You could have a Track & Field style button-masher for the running bits, a decent FPS for the Vietnam war part (featuring trendy gaming must-haves like EMOTIONALLY RESCUING your wounded squad mates), and even a 'Katawa Shoujo' style disabled romance sim for the bits with Lieutenant Dan (after he's had his legs shot off).<br />
<br />
A missed opportunity, my friends, I'm sure you'll agree.<br />
<br />
So yeah, there. Done. Why trap your future gaming in one of these made-up 'gen' things, when you can break free of it all and express yourself on PC? Build it your way, improve it your way.<br />
<br />
You can even make them look like this (your reasons are your own!):<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuvQxHlfpG5tlWAqC8OeuQ4YbIIvPWfOkjCI6QpITNMnOQs3lgoC3LBSXZfT0_u34xSDrHj1R2hyZzExfv-HBjmxEMXoG5BJeDs7KKNuHgyoVrvRgByNVANjF-WkwTB5M9O6OmdMVlMEM/s1600/moddedcase.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuvQxHlfpG5tlWAqC8OeuQ4YbIIvPWfOkjCI6QpITNMnOQs3lgoC3LBSXZfT0_u34xSDrHj1R2hyZzExfv-HBjmxEMXoG5BJeDs7KKNuHgyoVrvRgByNVANjF-WkwTB5M9O6OmdMVlMEM/s1600/moddedcase.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">THEREISNOTHINGWRONGWITHMETHEREISNOTHINGWRONGWITHMETHEREISNOTHINGWRONGWITHME</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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I feel I must restate, in the interests of balance, that consoles are fine in the short term. For that initial six month period they are impressive, given their price and all that. The next batch will show folks exactly what has been available on PC for the last 5 years or so, and will hopefully encourage them to take the plunge. Like a defrosted caveman entering a nightclub!<br />
<br />
After all, I won't be buying one, not at launch anyway, so what better reason than that? You can claim a serious gaming journalist advised you against buying, and all your friends will be impressed. You know, over <u><b>TWO THOUSAND</b></u>* people read this fascinating, magnificent writing? Incredible.<br />
<br />
Anyway, have a nice Sunday, look after yourselves. It's a tough world for us nerds!<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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*<span style="font-size: xx-small;">No, they don't.</span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-87222046255421519312013-07-28T14:39:00.001+01:002013-08-27T13:02:44.349+01:00Y U NO PC?Happy Sunday!<br />
<br />
This week I want to encourage people to try something different. Something initially frightening and intimidating. Something uncool, potentially costly and a bit awkward in places.<br />
<br />
And no, I'm not talking about wandering into a biker bar dressed as a lady. I'm on about PC gaming!<br />
<br />
I admit I have had my games delivered to my face via consoles for the majority of my life so far, and that's fine. I'm not here to rubbish consoles or throw damp bricks at the chaps that play on them, nor am I going to claim that PC users are genetic supermen, intellectually superior with six-packs like cobbled streets, gleaming white teeth and strong hairlines. No.<br />
<br />
I'm going to explain why PC gaming is something you should consider as the next-gen of consoles appear on the horizon, like two hunched tramps wafting their buttocks at you suggestively.<br />
<br />
As you read this garbage I DEMAND you remember that I am as far from technically adept as a human being can possibly be (whilst still alive and in possession of all default limbs & senses). I am a bumbling fool, barely able to mash together the words needed for this electronic newspaper you are reading. Honestly, I am the mental equivalent of a brain-damaged chimp.<br />
<br />
And even I have successfully built a few PC systems! Stick that in your pipe and eat it!<br />
<br />
So I'm going to have a quick look at the things that used to turn me away from PC, and the actual reality of it all. I won't lie, dress-up anything or conceal any pitfalls from you, Sir. It'll be a genuine casuals view of making the lurch to PC gaming. Go!<br />
<br />
<h4>
1: It all costs so much, man!</h4>
Yes, at first it does. No denying it. Don't lie. You're looking at an initial outlay of about £600, and the more you spend the better. Type into Google 'gaming PC for £600' and you'll get loads of results, so many in fact that your head will ache with boredom. And you'll start to feel overwhelmed with all the jargon being spurted all over your blazer. But worry not!<br />
<br />
See, the thing is lots of PC types <i>actually want </i>the world of PC to be intimidating and impenetrable, to make themselves feel better about choosing the 'uncool' gaming platform. There's lots of silly, silly posturing involved, and lots of 'what, you can't afford it? LOL' style things, but ignore it man!<br />
<br />
For every one of those self-congratulating, rude, boastful tools there are ten genuine guys that will steer you in the right direction. Good guys live in every major forum, so go get 'em!*<br />
<br />
And, importantly, the games for the next wave of consoles are expected to be <b>£50</b> a throw. PC games are usually miles cheaper, so if you're the sort of cute gaming beauty that regularly buys lots of games then you'll quickly recover the loss you incur upon your initial PC buy! Massive sense, baby!<br />
<br />
<h4>
2: But I'm too thick to put it all together!!</h4>
No you're not, you fat oaf! This bit is easy to type up (thank Dog) and allows the use of a couple of pics to illustrate my point. Firstly, unfriendly PC angries want you to think assembling your own PC is like this:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT1ENgLyMTQE2nBTw5v8aO-NwWGKYaGq9SOZiYb0SjrMVSkwiUucYetc26ED_qfisSFBOEdIb6wmsJCVZJVrMtbe-ROMaC-dEJfZZ0d2KyL7HHPCFeXyR4cHCtJ5g1zfLIxvWZBjGcgtw/s1600/soyuz-blueprint.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT1ENgLyMTQE2nBTw5v8aO-NwWGKYaGq9SOZiYb0SjrMVSkwiUucYetc26ED_qfisSFBOEdIb6wmsJCVZJVrMtbe-ROMaC-dEJfZZ0d2KyL7HHPCFeXyR4cHCtJ5g1zfLIxvWZBjGcgtw/s1600/soyuz-blueprint.jpg" height="400" width="272" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>WARNING: EXTREMELY COMPLEX INSTRUCTIONS REQUIRING YEARS OF EXPERIENCE AHEAD.</b></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnSEJMpkCvGLL9rJCMnQHDDJkK7vdtOatogGxRwqj3OOU6nu5tjZgMzNYmCae-l_FnM71w-Cfe4c7EbOJpw8lv5mFy67K5fq78MiXgLJV9yYjj2tXIZEEKF7YiSA6MSerjmdGxXvU3pfk/s1600/mlm-rankings-blueprint-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnSEJMpkCvGLL9rJCMnQHDDJkK7vdtOatogGxRwqj3OOU6nu5tjZgMzNYmCae-l_FnM71w-Cfe4c7EbOJpw8lv5mFy67K5fq78MiXgLJV9yYjj2tXIZEEKF7YiSA6MSerjmdGxXvU3pfk/s1600/mlm-rankings-blueprint-300x225.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
No. <i>No</i>. Just no. PC's are so widespread and popular nowadays that it would just not make an ounce of sense to have it so cripplingly difficult to assemble/upgrade/smash for a prank.<br />
<br />
Once you've bought your components, assembling your own gaming PC is more like this:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYQrCD3EJvDdk3_4mqJbsALx9rXlrAkdcxmUMWRZaBj745bHgF86dUCKfvw87cuC8b0FzZLAwmaaaYXSanTey8tsIRfQTFj_xWIoc-3We29ZT6kK22MSB_YT578jun9HlIr-lIVJWCMnc/s1600/Lego-mario1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYQrCD3EJvDdk3_4mqJbsALx9rXlrAkdcxmUMWRZaBj745bHgF86dUCKfvw87cuC8b0FzZLAwmaaaYXSanTey8tsIRfQTFj_xWIoc-3We29ZT6kK22MSB_YT578jun9HlIr-lIVJWCMnc/s1600/Lego-mario1.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">VISUAL METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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It's so hand-holdingly easy that you'd have to deliberately misread or ignore some crystal clear instruction to get it wrong. Everything comes with simple assembly instructions, software and bits you leave in the box at first. It's easier than getting a UAV on Call Of Duty!<br />
<br />
<h4>
3: Ah there, look, you said it! 'Upgrade'. I'll have to upgrade every 7 minutes to stay equal! </h4>
Wrong again, King of thumbs. The PC gamers with penis envy issues will tell you that you have to have the highest spec, most expensive parts at all times, or you will be subjected to withering abuse every time you fire-up Skyrim. Pigeon kidneys! Do not listen, my precious friend.<br />
<br />
You will need to upgrade <i>only when you wish to.</i> If you are prone to the towering claims of wealth made by bored liars in gaming forums then you will feel pressure forever, until paranoia drives you into your psychosis-lined coffin.<b> You don't need the best equipment to have a blast on PC. </b><br />
<br />
Plus, the cost of PC bits is constantly dropping due to the constant advancement. So biding your time and keeping your lipstick dry will yield awesome results. The top spec stuff is always overkill for the games available at the time anyway, you silly sausage! What's the point in worrying over nothing?<br />
<br />
<h4>
4: Right, that seems unconvincing. But what about the games? Exclusives man, exclusives.</h4>
Oh right, yeah, all those innovative exclusives like Racing Car Game 7 or Ghetto Marine 4?<br />
<br />
PC has infinite amounts of exclusivity. Endless genres. Limitless diversity to be explored, Son.<br />
<br />
But there is something about PC gaming that cannot be found on consoles. <i>Communities. </i><br />
<br />
Groups of gorgeous people gather around games and <i>stay. </i>They don't flock off as soon as a new title comes along, they stay around the games they invest in and make them...<i>.home.</i> They add to their beloved games with mods, and brilliant user-made content that consoles<i> have</i> never and <i>will</i> never offer.<br />
<br />
I'm not talking in-built level designers a la LittleBigPlanet. I'm talking creativity that, in some cases, often exceeds the developers! I'm tearing up right now!<br />
<br />
PC gamers tend to stick around in my experience. It's ace to see petitions and protests going on when companies attempt to shut down servers for old games, and it's even more ace when people fork out their hard-earned to keep servers running for the games they adore <i>so hard</i>. The Beautiful PC!<br />
<br />
<h4>
5: Anything else then? I'm not convinced. I like my joypad and my couch & TV combo.</h4>
Keyboard & mouse is the interface of the Gods. Why do you think there is a desperation to get them onto the next gen consoles? Coincidence?! I think not, pal. You <i>know</i> joypads are clumsy things.<br />
<br />
Couch & TV convenience? Heard of 'Big Picture' mode on Steam? Aware that the majority of newer PC games have Joypad support programmed in nowadays, just for yawners like you that can't be arsed learning something new? It's all true. As far as I know. Which isn't very far!<br />
<br />
And as for parties and voice communication, the PC has loads of options, all free, all great!<br />
<br />
<h4>
6: Ok thanks, but I'll stick with my console. I'm bored and you're getting a bit aggressive.</h4>
Alright look, in the interests of balance I'll offer some of the downsides to PC:<br />
<ul>
<li>If you plump for a desktop you'll need a dedicated area in your home, which is too much of a pain in the tail-bone for some people, particularly if they don't have a lot of room to begin with. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You may end up having to buy FURNITURE, which is about as far away from fun as it gets, unless you're my wife and you are obsessed beyond reason with lamps and chairs.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You might have to wait ages for that console port you're dying for, and it may be poorly done.</li>
<li>You will have to accept that virtually nobody plays beat 'em ups or 'illiterate overly-privileged anti-social millionaire potential sex-threat simulator '14' (Those FIFA games).</li>
<li>None of your friends will have one until you convince them otherwise.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>You will starve to death as a result of you becoming addicted to Team Fortress 2.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Even I'm bored now. I should leave this sort of thing alone in future.<br />
<br />
To conclude this biblical epic, I'd like to reiterate that consoles are fine. Honestly, they are. But if you want to really immerse yourself in the world of modern gaming then you really need to consider PC.<br />
<br />
You'll meet some amazing people and live inside some hollowed-out games for years. You may even BUILD something for one of those games, thus cutting out an intimate part of yourself and smearing it publicly across something you love. Imagine that!<br />
<br />
So yeah, don't buy a next gen console. Come and try something a bit new, a little bit challenging, but a huge amount of lovely. Come and find a community, meet people that are unashamed to say they love games just as much as you do. Get yourself on PC. <br />
<br />
Even casuals like me can find a home here!<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Disclaimer: Sensible advice for first time buyers/builders can be found online.</span> <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Do a wee bit of research, Son.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
*<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Lots of PC build advice types are available on the internet, but there's a bloke called Chico that can be summoned via goat sacrifice <a href="http://www.mordorhq.com/showthread.php?148-How-to-Build-a-PC">here</a>, and he's part of a knowledgeable gang of chaps in a place called MordorHQ, which is a community consisting of 50% nice guys and 50% angry nutcases. </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Jump in, Sir.</span><br />
<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-67889975250298960652013-07-21T14:27:00.001+01:002013-08-27T13:02:52.945+01:00Moaning about Dead Space...Good day! You're looking healthy today, Madam. Been for a run?<br />
<br />
Last week I finished an old game called 'Dead Space'.<br />
<br />
In this game I was cast as some kind of invincible soldier with an antique diving suit on, walking slowly around a big dark spaceship full of jerky monsters. Every now and then a 'jump scare' would happen, but<i> </i>I <i>did not jump once</i> because my mental health is pretty much in order<b>, </b>and that long, dark corridor with<i> nothing at all to do in it</i> is kind of a give-away. Pretty dull oranges.<br />
<br />
The jerky, awfully animated baddies included a betentacled screaming baby, a tall skinny tree thing, and a topless shouting man attached to a wall by loads of kebabs. And some other things.<br />
<br />
The big WOW in this game is the fact you have to dismember the brainless mutants using a sort of laser cutter, which works <i>exactly</i> like a gun for the most part. You just pump the trigger and they obligingly fly apart, like the endless extras in any 80's homoerotic action movie starring a man in a vest.<br />
<br />
My character was enduring all this inconvenience to find some big statue that made everyone crazy, and eventually turned everybody into a mutant. I was supposed to locate it, and then drop it into a big hole on an alien world. But SURPRISE! Someone that was guiding me through the spaceship turned out to be a double agent! So that was disappointing. Anyway, she wanted to take the statue back to Earth for some mental reason or other, I wasn't really listening during the cut scene.<br />
<br />
So then the final boss appeared, while this woman was laughing in my face at my gullibility. And this is what ruined the whole thing for me. Here, look at this and bemoan it:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMJE5sixH8Q_IHHDfGOMjiAku576A7gsJXMSlWSg00q6wtVtR3fa0PuYNaBpSoZ5E2Ga60kKBqMfKNLv5P7f9r05P6hoSodf2DszfpiQpPsz2QCZLuPhyphenhyphenCEiakDep_eAMABDT6xexN81E/s1600/dead-space-final-boss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMJE5sixH8Q_IHHDfGOMjiAku576A7gsJXMSlWSg00q6wtVtR3fa0PuYNaBpSoZ5E2Ga60kKBqMfKNLv5P7f9r05P6hoSodf2DszfpiQpPsz2QCZLuPhyphenhyphenCEiakDep_eAMABDT6xexN81E/s1600/dead-space-final-boss.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Balls. Big, glowing, vulnerable balls.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Can you believe this?? So here is the stiffest test that this alien race can offer, the top of their evolutionary ladder, the biggest boy on their beach, their tour de France. And I'm expected to believe that evolution, the all-governing force in the universe, has allowed a creature with ALL ITS VITAL ORGANS HUNG ON YELLOW BALLS IN ITS FACE to ascend to the top of the food chain??<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhonlJYgfXEPxgLrft22zahMIbmA7tkqGQWQRuVjel9QKil4pMjPGjAP5wff4Hl7frKmMo36vwRD_0Vf8200iQUrgd9Iyy-Utst2pwhmKX6F04fPE38gIdFzgKkVi_GjIz7-7FDam5s1KQ/s1600/grumpy-cat-22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhonlJYgfXEPxgLrft22zahMIbmA7tkqGQWQRuVjel9QKil4pMjPGjAP5wff4Hl7frKmMo36vwRD_0Vf8200iQUrgd9Iyy-Utst2pwhmKX6F04fPE38gIdFzgKkVi_GjIz7-7FDam5s1KQ/s1600/grumpy-cat-22.jpg" height="320" width="260" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
So, I did all that walking, spent all that time doing what that traitorous bitch wanted me to do, just to shoot some big piñatas poking out of some massive alien slug thing? And to make matters worse, it didn't seem to learn or adapt after the first time I popped one of its tender spheres. It just continued holding its waistcoat open for me to leisurely blast them to hell. Ludicrous. Stupid! <br />
<br />
I literally <i>sighed.</i> Sometimes gaming is crap. And this was one of those sometimes. The game did display some artistry in places, but it all gets undermined when they bolt on such a stinky finale.<br />
<br />
To be fair though, the awful final boss<i> did </i>kill the treacherous bint that got me into all this, so that's a partial result.<br />
<br />
I'm currently trying to get through the sequel, looks to be more of the same so far. Except they've added the clichéd, dog-eared staple of every rubbish horror movie ever made: SCARY KIDS.<br />
<br />
And my character appears to have an annoyingly optimistic voice, he sounds a little too secure for my liking given the situation he finds himself in. He's just too upbeat for an amnesiac, hallucinating man trapped in a shopping centre full of kamikaze monsters. And SCARY KIDS. Look at them:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5FoiXIZOLbMqgva4ZeAmmJV8s8j8lmCKt9emJNvhcDBD-JsMu6sFrWQdEAUUoFECBLqdrsrhSIouS4xxZczCW-7Stk_a4c9Ug4v1pEGwXcK08IzVOhvbFm1fM8bQLz0a0TwaCmW5_Uhs/s1600/necromorph+babies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5FoiXIZOLbMqgva4ZeAmmJV8s8j8lmCKt9emJNvhcDBD-JsMu6sFrWQdEAUUoFECBLqdrsrhSIouS4xxZczCW-7Stk_a4c9Ug4v1pEGwXcK08IzVOhvbFm1fM8bQLz0a0TwaCmW5_Uhs/s1600/necromorph+babies.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Attacked for no reason by violent, unreasonable feral children. This could be any council estate in the UK. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
So I'm not overly enthusiastic to be honest, chief.<br />
<br />
But I suppose I should be happy that I've actually finished a game for the first time since the mid nineties. Or something. I currently have a queue of titles that I intend to see out to the bitter end:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Dead Space 2</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Mark Of The Ninja</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>Tomb Raider (The one from last year)</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>The Last Of Us</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> Dishonored DLC</li>
</ul>
I wanted to have a bash at the Gran Turismo 6 academy thing too, but I'm just too lazy. You need to commit to that sort of jazz. I just wanna play Team Fortress 2, man. Don't judge me.<br />
<br />
I tend to look around a lot when I'm playing campaigns. I like to admire & appreciate the artistry and work that has gone in, I like to examine the walls and ceilings, open all the doors and peek inside all the drawers. So as you can imagine, all this snooping about takes time. So the little list above should last me around a year!<br />
<br />
Well, that's enough looking into the window of my soul for one post.<br />
<br />
See you soon, non-existent reader!<br />
<br />
GL & HF! <br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-81561272277302137862013-07-07T16:27:00.000+01:002013-08-27T13:03:01.137+01:00A brief FPS chat!Hello...There! My faceless chums... <br />
<br />
I've not posted for a few weekends due to THINGS happening, which have left me either too tired to contribute to the endless amounts of pointless crapola on the internet, or too busy to find a couple of hours to construct my usual blah blah.<br />
<br />
So I thought you deserved something brilliant, something so extraordinarily entertaining it will live on in your brains forever, something moving, emotive, something that strikes a chord with your very soul. Something <i>truly wonderful.</i><br />
<br />
But I'm too thick, so you can have this instead.<br />
<br />
FPS. First Person Shooter. Shooting games. Shoot 'em ups. Gunny Bang Bang Do.<br />
<br />
I have played around 4 different shooters across my gaming life so far, and enjoyed some more than others. Basically, an FPS involves you being in control of a pair of hands/arms brandishing a weapon of some description, mowing down enemies for some reason or other, and being in possession of various superhuman strengths necessary for surviving multiple bullet wounds and carrying tonnes of military handbags full of grenades.<br />
<br />
The first one I recall with any sort of clarity is Operation Wolf, an arcade conversion which I ran on my dear old Amstrad CPC 464 (with colour monitor, yo). Look below and understand:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo23BAVH2CSnciwDMqq02u02TgAMVwbukv2Z2zDCNhwuWv2rIsf2Vpmxsc091c8LWOcXVkK1mAb0WwGFkCpCwkiefgYE8LJkng0Nd0VgRYtgjgKHhxPKYHyrhXoqvU1sKCA-72wyxEZ6I/s1600/Operation+Wolf.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjo23BAVH2CSnciwDMqq02u02TgAMVwbukv2Z2zDCNhwuWv2rIsf2Vpmxsc091c8LWOcXVkK1mAb0WwGFkCpCwkiefgYE8LJkng0Nd0VgRYtgjgKHhxPKYHyrhXoqvU1sKCA-72wyxEZ6I/s1600/Operation+Wolf.png" height="307" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at those glistening arms, shuddering with exertion as he aims his huge cannon at....STOP.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Like all FPS games, Operation Wolf was comically macho, as the pic above demonstrates. No metrosexual, hair-product using, pierced-face animé collectors here, just monumentally angry, tanned bodybuilders desperate to destroy you and everything you stood for! And why not?<br />
<br />
<br />
OK, so the point of the game was to rescue some bumbling POWs that couldn't be arsed doing their jobs properly as usual. In order to do this you had to shoot through waves of fellow human beings, men with wives & children, pets & hobbies. It was a moral dilemma, but goddamit those POWs had families too, AMERICAN families, so leave your morality in the goddamn locker room. Etc.<br />
<br />
As the waves intensified, tanks rolled on, helicopters flew on, chaps fired Bazookas at me, and the screen was basically awash with bullets and explosions. You could acquire grenade power-ups, I think, but the most clear memory I have is that in order to acquire health you had to <u>SHOOT</u> an <u>OIL</u> <u>DRUM</u>, which revealed a fully cooked <u>ROAST CHICKEN</u>. Which you then <u>SHOT</u> to consume!<br />
<br />
Some valuable lessons in life to be found there, Son.<br />
<br />
Anyway, as the ever-present AC-130 containing the stupid hostages sped away to safety, leaving me behind swamped in fanatical bodybuilders, the most gratitude the ungrateful sods could show me was a feeble 'Thank you'...Oh, and they made sure they said this as the plane was taking off, that lot couldn't get the cargo bay door shut quick enough! 'Thanks, but no thanks' they clearly meant.<br />
<br />
Oh, I should mention that you didn't control some hands/arms in Op Wolf, you dealt death via a ghostly reticle that lurched about on the screen. It was like being there!<br />
<br />
Next, DOOM. Look, it's here:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUgWFufudQ6S_Ujyu88qzBS7RHZ6-N_kkceG-I1BozRyFNbjWPjyNzbWiPM_XePWn3YysnX324XiipnGP4mFnghf47DvAzZE7AgNUg1LaI-mfN1AkYhyggJX4b8VcjvnaxK6xPn-3Q2zo/s1600/doom-imp-pc-version.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUgWFufudQ6S_Ujyu88qzBS7RHZ6-N_kkceG-I1BozRyFNbjWPjyNzbWiPM_XePWn3YysnX324XiipnGP4mFnghf47DvAzZE7AgNUg1LaI-mfN1AkYhyggJX4b8VcjvnaxK6xPn-3Q2zo/s1600/doom-imp-pc-version.png" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I used to play with lights out, trying not to do a fear-poo.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Doom was savoured (for me at least) via the PlayStation. It was properly atmospheric, creepy and Gothic with lots of charming Devil-worshipping* touches. I can't remember what the point of all this pixellated Satanism was, something like find your way out of hell I think, which had the odd starting point of the planet Mars. Is that right? Dunno.<br />
<br />
Anywhich, you shot stuff, chainsawed stuff, BFG 9000'ed stuff, and generally knocked loads of blood out of lots of spiky demons, all over the place over and over forever. A bit rubbish really. For those interested, you controlled hands AND arms.<br />
<br />
Somehow, I have no idea why, this game has become a bit like a nerd version of the Turin Shroud, a relic so holy that to criticise it is to be damned forever by your peers. Well, get ready for this, <i>I didn't even bother finishing this game and there is nothing you can do about it</i>. So go away.<br />
<br />
How about Star Wars: Battlefront I & II? Both great, both lovely, and both written about previously in a post I made in May, entitled 'Let's punch a Wookie!', which is available for your consideration in the 'archive' section of my electronic internet word area, or 'blog'. Go and rejoice in my talent!<br />
<br />
I enjoyed Halo, I think. I remember playing loads of co-op with my mate Mick, and he was properly immersed in the whole thing, giving clipped military commands and telling me to 'secure' things. I love it when games make non-gamers forget that they have accidentally slipped into our world, it's priceless, so I'll always have good memories of Halo. I bought the Xbox for it, you know!<br />
<br />
Right. RIGHT. I want to do this next bit justice, because it's actually <i>properly</i> important to me. This game defined how I would play games from that point on, it made a change so deep in me that it left me a different person. It remains the only game, ever, that made me bark at my wife.<br />
<br />
I loved this game like no other, it's called Half-Life 2 Deathmatch. Look and nod:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs4emhlRGs0QYT2p3sqnYr_BPwIJE8g83g0052iA_jnAwXAb6rphFmc0uQ6OiKy2Ndnrm0atvYPq5wyMEWPZ1M9Smxq7EGZ00fiH7HIhK1lfhyphenhypheniuNYL9hcgd3ayGuMzDZHZoTmq2MTME0/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs4emhlRGs0QYT2p3sqnYr_BPwIJE8g83g0052iA_jnAwXAb6rphFmc0uQ6OiKy2Ndnrm0atvYPq5wyMEWPZ1M9Smxq7EGZ00fiH7HIhK1lfhyphenhypheniuNYL9hcgd3ayGuMzDZHZoTmq2MTME0/s1600/images.jpg" height="298" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Too excited to get a decent pic, were we?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Everybody that ever even <i>stood near</i> a PC gamer knows how good Half-Life 2 is, no need to bother cooking that particular meal again. It's awesome, we all know this. So blah. But I have to mention it a little bit, to get the tale going. Think of the next bit as being narrated by either Morgan Freeman, or Sir Ian McKellen, all those two seem to do is narrate movie openings in that benevolent, patronising protective old know-it-all voice. I hate them for this to be honest, but that's not your problem!<br />
<br />
When I fell into PC gaming I was clueless as to what Half-Life was. I was in the pub with a guy called Bob, who happened to be a PC gamer at that point. He was asking about my new comp, how was I getting on and all that, and which games had I bought. I told him I'd picked up Half-Life 2 Game Of The Year edition, and he was universal in his praise for it. I explained how I was struggling adapting to WASD + mouse, and was more than a bit unwilling to learn.<br />
<br />
I had the following monday off, so I thought to myself 'OK Lee, let's give this a proper stab'. So I did. I was unhappy for a while, but then I got better. And better. And then I found HL2 DM.<br />
<br />
My memories of the first few weeks are crystal clear. I was whipped everywhere I went, smashed to pieces relentlessly by toilets, saw blades and projectile bidets. Not finishing last was my target...<br />
<br />
<i><b>Anecdote Fast Forward Engaged >>>>>></b></i><br />
<br />
...So I ended up really really good at it. I was one of those players that won every round, an annoying show-off that could not be killed. It was all I played, and I played A LOT. Hours and hours, everyday without fail. I couldn't ignore the call of the leaderboards. I loved it, man.<br />
<br />
One evening, just as I was engaged in a high-stress duel with an equally fantastic player (I know, I know) the wife came home from work and insisted on saying hello to me. Can you believe it??<br />
<br />
I roared "F***ING HELL WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT THEN?!?" Being the ultra-cool, balanced woman she is, she just walked out of the room. I sat burning with despair, as I slipped behind the lead player, never to recover those precious few kills that made a huge difference at a high level. God, it was pathetic AND ridiculous, like Mr. Pathetic and Ms.Ridiculous had a kid and named it<i> </i>ME RIGHT NOW. What a laughable scenario!<br />
<br />
Anyway, the point in revealing this trash to you is that I had never been, nor will I ever be so totally consumed by a video game. How many hours did I put in? I could have built a bomb shelter!<br />
<br />
So, from HL2 DM onwards I tended to eschew single player stuff, in favour of multiplayer gaming. I wasn't interested unless there was a scoreboard and an online leaderboard somewhere to climb.<br />
<br />
I have a pal that insists this attitude is damaging, and I agree with him to be honest. So of late I've bought some single player 'story' titles, which I've been having a go at. They're alright, but they don't have that magnetic hypno-signal that HL2 DM had. I don't play it at all now, and when I do bother to try, I find it to be utterly empty apart from horrible 'Team' servers full of hackers teleporting about, and generally being a dashed nuisance. Confound it! But I had my fun, so I can't moan too much.<br />
<br />
Also, you had power over a pair of hands, no arms this time. I know this detail is important to you.<br />
<br />
FPS is a nice genre, with lots of choice. Of the same thing, mostly. But it's still choice! Hurray!<br />
<br />
I have played Quake, Call Of Duty, Counterstrike, Stalker, Crysis, Bioshock, Unreal, Planetside 2, Dead Space, Left 4 Dead, Wolfenstein, Battlefield, Team Fortress 2.....and loads more, obviously. None of them were awful, surprisingly. Most were pretty interesting, for a while or two.<br />
<br />
So yeah, there you go. The conclusion is: some FPS is alright, mostly.<br />
<br />
...Erm. See you next week?<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
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*<span style="font-size: xx-small;">DOOM was accused by some passing Priests of being an introduction to Satanism, have a Google if that sounds up your street.</span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-70654681414031593042013-06-23T12:31:00.001+01:002013-08-27T13:03:09.143+01:00A boring GT5 rant, sorry.Hello, blokes & birds!<br />
<br />
As you know if you can be bothered to sift through the heartbreaking wreckage of my previous posts, I am a huge lover of the Gran Turismo titles. Gran Turismo is a series of racing games, in which you blah blah, and then blah blah.<br />
<br />
You know what Gran Turismo is, this is a gaming blog. It's not going to be a type of fashionable waist-length shoe, is it?<br />
<br />
Anyway, so I play GT5 a lot. And I like to play with like-minded people, so I choose to host my own online room. Kind of like a fascist butler.<br />
<br />
This room has a title. The title is '100% CLEAN SHUFFLE'. Now, from that title, what would you assume the content & overall point of the room is? Obviously, with it being a 'shuffle' room, you are assigned a car from a pool....of cars. These cars differ slightly in terms of performance, handling, colour and amount of stains on the seats, but all of them are capable of competing in a meaningful way.<br />
<br />
Now, the '100% clean' bit takes some explaining. The room has four simple rules, which are streamed through the chat window before every single race, and they look like this:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
4 SIMPLE RULES</div>
<ul>
<li> STRICTLY NO AVOIDABLE OR DELIBERATE CONTACT</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>DO NOT SWERVE TO BLOCK OVERTAKES </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>PLACES GAINED BY COLLISION MUST BE GIVEN BACK IMMEDIATELY</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li> DO NOT ALLOW YOUR MISTAKE TO RUIN ANOTHER DRIVERS RACE</li>
</ul>
<br />
Now, when I was constructing these rules I thought 'Hmm, I can't boil those four rules down any further, or make them any clearer'. They really do cover everything, and address most of the things that can make online racing a sorrowful chore.<br />
<br />
Next, once the rules have scrolled by, comes the advisory notice, which is here, honey:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
PLEASE REPORT ANY & ALL UNFAIR PLAY</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
DON'T JUST COMPLAIN, GIVE ME A NAME</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
MULTIPLE COMPLAINTS GUARANTEES REMOVAL</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Hopefully, this is as clear to you as it is to me. It is intended to say 'OK, if you notice someone trying to spoil the fun we are having here, let me know and I'll send them on their way'.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Due to my hawk-eyed enforcement of the rules, and the assistance of quite a big group of regular players, the room is a roaring success. It fills instantly, stays full and the racing standards found are unparalleled, in my boastful opinion.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So why am I telling you this?</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Well, I am angry. Angry and unreasonable, frankly. I'm in such a rage that I forgot to put SUGAR in my COFFEE whilst I punch this into my keyboard with balled fists. GrrAAArrr, Son!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Why do people join a room that clearly sets out the way we roll, yo? Why do people join a room which requires 100% decency & civility to be shown towards all participants, then send me sweary messages when I remove them for driving around the track the wrong way? </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It is a lot of work, you know, ensuring that the brilliant, friendly people that frequent my area are protected from the clueless, vacant vermin that can't understand that some people just want more from their pastime. The guys and girls that spend their time in my house are always polite, patient and fantastic. Lovely, even.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
That's exactly why I do it, for people like those. The good guys need a place to be good guys. They need somewhere wherein they don't have to wince everytime they brake for a corner, somewhere they can race side by side down a narrow track without being 'leant on' by a yawning fool.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There are MORE than enough rooms catering for gigglers, wrong-way villains and first-corner scientists than I could possibly list here. Loads of them. Why can't these lot stay amongst their own kind? It can't be for fun & laughs, because they are only in the room for roughly 1 minute before I descend on them, like a furious wizard of vengeance & justice. So they are happy to have those few seconds of notoriety in all those hours of trying, is that it? Wow, mindbending life-wastery!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Ok. That's that rant over. I love the guys I race with, my packed-out friends list is full of genius racers with both talent AND fairness in their heads. Thank the gaming Gods for those guys!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Hey, if ever you want to join, please feel free. If you can process the rules, that is. Don't arrive trying to be the end of everything , you won't defeat us, Son.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
We love our GT5, and we'll stick together to protect the way <i>we</i> love to play it.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHXTzkqJi1kxrkxm6oqER0wynMLhfYV-t-_yBar_2MWqywrxjlV3KLACgkslEhADYAC1pG38hLVfzgnBppUSfykBib2N9RYNF6vVWBiQ7skNZQ55uBK_Zw2WjuTL0UOrKL0daklK_HgSo/s1600/gran-turismo-5-rome-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHXTzkqJi1kxrkxm6oqER0wynMLhfYV-t-_yBar_2MWqywrxjlV3KLACgkslEhADYAC1pG38hLVfzgnBppUSfykBib2N9RYNF6vVWBiQ7skNZQ55uBK_Zw2WjuTL0UOrKL0daklK_HgSo/s1600/gran-turismo-5-rome-5.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Close & clean, like a shaven embrace between two friends!</td></tr>
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Meanwhile, back in decent writing land:</h3>
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Yes I know the post is rubbish this week, I was on holiday last week and I managed to get myself terribly sunburnt. My forehead makes me look like a particularly dehydrated Draugr. Not that that has anything to do with the writing, of course!</div>
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I do solemnly swear I will improve next week. I'll even start plagiarising it now!</div>
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GL & HF! </div>
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-86053276325398697142013-06-09T10:17:00.001+01:002013-08-27T13:03:21.658+01:00The sun is out!Hi, did you miss me?<br />
<br />
<br />
I have been ill AGAIN. I can't believe it. Honestly, May was terrible for my health. I seemed to bounce from disease to disease, like a promiscuous stripper!<br />
<br />
Anyway, to clarify, I didn't post last week due to a visit from Mr. Vomit! It's hard to concentrate on being a creative Jesus when you're bent double over the porcelain! So there.<br />
<br />
Right, to business. It's summer! The sun is out and it makes me think back to this:<br />
<br />
<i>Which games made me feel the most summer-ish?</i><br />
<br />
By that I mean which titles, from past to present, most put me in mind of sweltering days, hay-fever misery and going through cans of deodorant like a hardcore shoplifter!<br />
<br />
These are titles that instantly trigger your mind to conjure images of endless summer holidays, late nights and early mornings, and the general feel of it 'being nice out' as we say in 'The North'.<br />
<br />
Ok, in no particular order (except from the random order my dehydrated brain offers them up) these are the titles that occur to me, in my summer-themed outburst! Eat them up, buttercup.<br />
<br />
I'm afraid various football games have to be mentioned first. I know, I'm sorry Sister.<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm afraid I did used to love football games, but then I did also used to like football. I was young, and chasing a ball whilst avoiding dog stools meant a lot to me. I was pretty good, actually. Made the school teams. Well, I made my primary school team, but was dropped due to staying at home one Saturday to watch cartoons as it was raining out. I grew to become a real man, and ladies love me!<br />
<br />
Games such as Italia '90 stand out to me, and my almost-obligatory late '80's worship of a chap called Paul Gascoigne. And look! He had a video game licensed to his face:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGqkkH_pCefMXgiuKJg6DXBqG3h9dbubpjZmX8phwyVWzpDfOolY4dSfBE_fNul5FhNZpWBjBeCzGzPLuBcET-KjBoCp8hzZkuOw4hEU3lEmK1UtXO8hbJJaqERr70OL7V_bUemX-QpCQ/s1600/Gazza's_Superstar_Soccer_cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGqkkH_pCefMXgiuKJg6DXBqG3h9dbubpjZmX8phwyVWzpDfOolY4dSfBE_fNul5FhNZpWBjBeCzGzPLuBcET-KjBoCp8hzZkuOw4hEU3lEmK1UtXO8hbJJaqERr70OL7V_bUemX-QpCQ/s1600/Gazza's_Superstar_Soccer_cover.jpg" height="400" width="310" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man, I still love free stickers.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This game was <i>terrible. </i>It was a nightmare to get going for a start, and on the odd occasion it did actually load, it would crash shortly after. And there was no way of saving, so in order to complete a season you would have to sit, uninterrupted, for at last 3 weeks. It looked awful too, with black, white & green being the only colours available for kits, scenery, menus....like in a communist country!<br />
<br />
And the gameplay? Imagine controls that switched randomly, then stopped working altogether, then returned but in reverse format. I'd sit there, horrified, as the heavily-pixellated player under my power would swerve and sprint off the side of the pitch, then stay locked in a perpetual running motion, bumping against an advertising hoarding until the end of time itself. I just stared in wonder!<br />
<br />
But it had Gazza on the front! And a free sticker. Those cunning marketing types!<br />
<br />
I suppose football is associated with being outside, which is in turn associated with summer, even though football is technically a winter sport! So that explains that.<br />
<br />
I'm not really into football much anymore, as an adult I realise that those millionaires don't really care if I'm stood nearby, screaming encouragement at them whilst spitting pie-flakes. I may as well save my time, money and energy for playing video games, that are currently produced by companies that don't really care if I'm playing, posting encourag....oh. I see what I did there. And it was bad.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I would have done a bit on the other football game I mentioned, but I can't find a decent screenshot for you. See? Always putting YOU first. I care, man. Forwards, comrades!<br />
<br />
Another game that reminds me of summer is the almighty Final Fantasy 7. Do you <i>really </i>need a screenshot/pic of such a legend? Of course you do, you slim cowboy:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1XzmsEiGl27pzqe13psHF8KPKmb-NrPpPqQmuK7BIAFxF_AXmsVaaQwdCypl6UGF2GUO6p-HL8pOCt7zPO4es2Mj3N2HGE-QjJaPH8-p87G3rT8BZ1eWUHG57ps7_F2qcHkMb3D9Gpfc/s1600/ff7b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1XzmsEiGl27pzqe13psHF8KPKmb-NrPpPqQmuK7BIAFxF_AXmsVaaQwdCypl6UGF2GUO6p-HL8pOCt7zPO4es2Mj3N2HGE-QjJaPH8-p87G3rT8BZ1eWUHG57ps7_F2qcHkMb3D9Gpfc/s1600/ff7b.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pick a phone number at random from the phone book, dial it and scream those words down the line. Today.</td></tr>
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Man, I played this game for a lot of minutes. This is the first and last game I ever rang one of those 'hint' lines for to aid progress. I couldn't find a door or something, turns out it was hidden behind some stairs. That cost me about 18 pounds! I could have bought a slave-chav with that!<br />
<br />
FF7 was great. Not the best game I ever drank, but certainly very memorable. All the nice FMV cut scenes, all the summoning of big dramatic monsters, all the exploring, upgrading etc. You could even develop a deadly gambling addiction betting on Chocobo races! Very nice/dangerously realistic!<br />
<br />
Now, JRPG's aren't traditionally associated with British summertime, I know. But I remember it being a super sunny summer when I was making my way through this game. I'd be showing up for work absolutely cream-crackered due to playing late. Then, in the daytime, I'd sit inches away from a fan, trying to dry the concentrating gamer sweat as it oozed out of my neck.<br />
<br />
And yes, by fan I mean a mechanical device for blowing air around, not a 'fan' as in an enthusiastic supporter of my exceptionally usual standard of writing, sat wearing a giant foam hand, cheering and weeping in anguish when I go to bed. Although I'm sure I have several!<br />
<br />
So I include FF7 due to it reminding me of being uncomfortably hot. Which is what summer is.<br />
<br />
But the summery of summer gaming award has to go to a game called 'Mashed'. Observe here:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6nzZnqvdJgejxNmWCR6GEeiyJXBT_ECrYtSMCYNYisCG4nda5qmWbxD7v0A_lWUpTcHupDgMh2uLmGvTWcy1RyY3LaKbw2LXFM1GDjManlemfSeBOCeEz3pMWv2YPXXX4rmQ3rCTcrNE/s1600/mashed_350476.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6nzZnqvdJgejxNmWCR6GEeiyJXBT_ECrYtSMCYNYisCG4nda5qmWbxD7v0A_lWUpTcHupDgMh2uLmGvTWcy1RyY3LaKbw2LXFM1GDjManlemfSeBOCeEz3pMWv2YPXXX4rmQ3rCTcrNE/s1600/mashed_350476.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A game made to make grown men brawl in hubris & anger!</td></tr>
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<br />
June 2004. A flat in Bolton, England. A group of several blokes playing Mashed on an Xbox.<br />
<br />
The thing about Mashed was you could, if you so chose, single-out and target one of your pals for an onslaught of unfair punishment in the form of frequently earned airstrikes. These strikes, in the worst case scenario, could end the recipients race. So use of them was regulated amongst us under a code of honour, which was the driver at the front was to receive the pain. Or, if a driver was running away with the multi-race season, he would get the agony until he was drawn back into the contest. See?<br />
<br />
Well, this all works fine until someone, for whatever reason, <i>makes it personal. </i>Someone could make the suggestion that an unspoken alliance has been entered into between a pair of drivers, someone could develop feelings of unfair persecution & attention from another driver, someone could even simply <i>want chaos to break out amongst the harmony.</i> And it was easy to make it happen.<br />
<br />
To cut a long story short, two of the chaps involved in this gaming session became very cross. And, as the rest of the group looked on with joy, these two grown men attempted to initiate a scrap! The words 'I will take you outside and **** you, you ******* **** if you carry on' actually came out!<br />
<br />
Man, it was fantastic for the spectators. We all giggled and silently nudged each other for a good hour afterwards, as the two would-be gladiators simmered at opposite sides of the room! Heaven!<br />
<br />
So, Mashed is 'in' because it embodies the drunken stupor of summer get-togethers, when even non-gamers don't mind picking up a pad to join in the fun/undercurrent of aggression.<br />
<br />
So, in conclusion, games and summer can be linked if you really want them to. Like this!<br />
<br />
Do games take a back seat when the sun comes out? I don't think so.<br />
<br />
Is there such a thing as a 'summer genre'? Apart from foot-the-ball titles? I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
Can you organise your gaming memories into seasonal categories? Or is that just too much work?<br />
<br />
As usual, I have no answers. But at least I tried, what did you do? Sit there and judge me? And what makes you so special? Only kidding, I like that you make that confused face while you read!<span style="font-size: small;">*</span><br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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*<span style="font-size: xx-small;">If anything confuses you to such an extent you feel nauseous, please stop reading immediately and seek medical attention. </span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-90345014178920739102013-05-26T11:21:00.000+01:002013-08-27T13:03:29.603+01:00Consoles, consoles everywhere...Hello there!<br />
<br />
The next pair of important console combatants have been revealed recently, destined to divide rabid, swearing children suffering from terminal brand-loyalty into two grand armies of bickering. People genuinely old enough to know better will proclaim 'x' console as the best due to 'y' technological reason, ignorant of the fact that NOTHING SHALL EVER MATCH THE MIGHT OF THE PC. <br />
<br />
Gaming types across the globe are currently scouring the internet, using their eyes, for 'XboxOne vs PS4 tech spec comparison', and then reading the guff assembled by aforementioned partisan nutters! I actually throw my head back in my luxurious armchair, swirl my booze in my brandy glass and scream with insane laughter, with my eyes rolling back in my head as I struggle to breathe! Priceless!<br />
<br />
So, because I am both brilliant AND benevolent, I shall present to you the real, 100% true breakdown of both new console offerings. I know, I'm a friend and a neighbour! So here goes:<br />
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<h3>
PlayStation4 (PS4):</h3>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgjpx53dl4t1jGxNmRDNHDG5Nya2y8Xu8cqMrYpgjPv2Y8Vvpqp7DimDOw6cJFAHOV9pc-NbxUbq4EVZ5CiVgpwbfkyFZRYnGgB0JNLnOFCpbSkkqHCmmBvGERj3HDjB179aExdKHiueU/s1600/PS4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgjpx53dl4t1jGxNmRDNHDG5Nya2y8Xu8cqMrYpgjPv2Y8Vvpqp7DimDOw6cJFAHOV9pc-NbxUbq4EVZ5CiVgpwbfkyFZRYnGgB0JNLnOFCpbSkkqHCmmBvGERj3HDjB179aExdKHiueU/s1600/PS4.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The PlayStation 4 console.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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PS4 technical specifications:<br />
<br />
Amount of memories used by games: 71<br />
<br />
Number of RAM's: 200? 300? Who knows?<br />
<br />
Weight including disc and joypads: 40 kgs<br />
<br />
Speed of processor: 12.2kph (rising to 12.4kph if playing online against a Frenchman)<br />
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Number of animals hurt in the production of each console: 3 seagulls<br />
<br />
Number of feeling smug about not owning the other console generators: 3<br />
<br />
Hidden on-board government listening devices: 2<br />
<br />
Summary: The PS4 is aimed at age 30+ intellectual, espresso-sipping architects, has some exclusive games, has controllers....lots of other usual baloney.<br />
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<h3>
XboxOne:</h3>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBwriZKGytlJ84BZLXybNhd3eBB_KortPh8hLDIIILvfE69XZVM1zTm3BidFC0lkgeeWG9G6b_wLe6KCPeYWOxIKDYblqeY82mePG_2DuogWlWzs3IUY5QrveVY7ZZVoeL4CaQQlA_9kY/s1600/parody-shoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBwriZKGytlJ84BZLXybNhd3eBB_KortPh8hLDIIILvfE69XZVM1zTm3BidFC0lkgeeWG9G6b_wLe6KCPeYWOxIKDYblqeY82mePG_2DuogWlWzs3IUY5QrveVY7ZZVoeL4CaQQlA_9kY/s1600/parody-shoe.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The XboxOne console.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
XboxOne technical specifications<br />
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Graphical cards: 10 IBM x86 1066 socket 775 RealTek X1800's<br />
<br />
Wipe-clean surfaces: Fully dishwashable<br />
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Number of RAM's: Look, this keeps coming up so it must be important, so let's go for 9999999<br />
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Swear thesaurus: Included at launch if Xbox Live Unobtanium membership purchased<br />
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Number of elderly relatives confused by actual function: Millions<br />
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Sound capabilities: Bangin' sick tunez bruv innit<br />
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Size of controller: Medium dining table with chairs<br />
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Summary: The XboxOne is aimed at swearing 10yr olds threatening to beat you to death for daring to interrupt their YouTube rehearsal or some such. It has some games, some this, some that.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Conclusion:</h3>
They're the same thing really, man. Who cares. Just follow your brand loyalty, you know you will!<br />
<br />
Despite looking and being named differently, modern consoles are pretty damn similar. I'm not an all-knowing computational genius but I am willing to predict the gap will be pretty small between them both. There will not be the 'crushing, company-ending defeats' being predicted by over-excited forumites across the internet!<br />
<br />
And as for the perceived 'type' of player commonly associated with each console? Nope. Roughly the same people on either side, playing roughly the same game, with the same insecure, nagging doubt about the choice they made. And on and on it goes, stretching off into gaming infinity, like a huge, world-record attempt sausage.<br />
<br />
The games will be the same as they are now, with even more irritating social network intrusion. They will look better, or course, but mind-blows just don't happen anymore, Sister.<br />
<br />
Except on PC, of course. But who plays on those? No-one! Too complicated & expensive!<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-88493606162713297822013-05-18T09:10:00.001+01:002013-08-27T13:03:37.241+01:00Let's rejoice about GT6!Hi!<br />
<br />
This week saw the announcement of something rather frothy. The Gran Turismo series is to be further embellished by the addition of Gran Turismo 6! Punch the air, kid!<br />
<br />
I like the racing genre. I'm not one of those hardcore types that has a huge, vibrating seat & frame in my front room, the type that dons fireproof overalls before they play and all that. I did once own a steering wheel and pedal set that attached to my desk using suction cups, but I broke it in a jealous fury one evening whilst chasing a pixellated lady on a motorbike in Test Drive Unlimited.<br />
<br />
Now, incredibly, 'The Wife' says I can't have another, fancier wheel as it will make our dining room look like a little boys bedroom. She's right, of course, but DAMN HER TO HELL anyway!<br />
<br />
Why do I like the racing genre so much? Well, when I was a small idiot I was in love with toy cars, books about cars, films that featured a car briefly, TV shows about cars, posters of cars and just general traffic trundling past my house. So it seems pretty blatant that I'd literally <i>be interested </i>in a video game area that lets you grope so many digitally-represented joy-boxes. Or cars.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, I'm not going to launch into an interest-killing list of all the racing games I've sniffed, there are just too many. And I've forgotten lots of them. And I'm untalented. And lazy.<br />
<br />
But there is one name that I will never forget. NEVER. If you dare to suggest I will, then I'm afraid I will have to use my internet skills to find you, locate myself in a convenient shrub, and then proceed to 'tut' loudly at you as you leave your home each day. Tremble in fear!<br />
<br />
Gran Turismo. GT. Ever since I stood (in 1997 was it?) frozen in my local Morrisons supermarket, a copy of Official PlayStation Magazine gripped in my slowly cramping hands, staring open-mouthed at screenshots of such seductive beauty I think I remember <i>gently whimpering </i>a bit.<br />
<br />
So I followed the progress of it, watched it being played on the horrible TV that was 'GamesMaster', read everything I could everywhere I could over and over, and even exploited the friendship of the local 'Electronics Boutique' manager to arrange a pre-release jolly! Excited was an understatement.<br />
<br />
I think Gran Turismo was the first game I ever pre-ordered too, in order to get a sexy chrome keyring with the GT logo smeared across it. Man, I wish I still had it, but at that point I had no clue how I'd still be a fan 15 years later. Screw you, hindsight! <br />
<br />
So, along with my mate Simon, I collected my pre-ordered knot of gaming hair on launch morning. Upon returning to my Pot Noodle-smelling flat I hungrily inserted the black, logo-stamped disc.<br />
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And then this happened, and I'll probably never forget it for as long as I live:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/2mOOy8tekaU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br />
It's probably worth mentioning that the soundtrack is a Chemical Brothers remix of a Manic Street Preachers song, a band which I despised at the time. I obviously had no idea this piece of sonic intro joy was anything to do with them, and they later went on to become my favourite, most-seen band! The gaming world is a strange place full of coincidence & wonder!<br />
<br />
That intro. I just.....Wow. I mean, just <i>look </i>and <i>listen. </i>There are no words<i>. </i>It's embossed on my soul!<br />
<br />
So I loved Gran Turismo. It just filled my head. And it wasn't just me. A guy I worked with, and this is 100% truth, actually rang me on the phone to <i>play me the revving sounds of the imaginary car he had tuned on his video game. </i>And, after I'd confirmed it was amazingly awesome, he then proceeded to <i>ring a girl he was trying to impress and do the same thing.</i> Incredible! She pitied him, and went on to marry someone else!<br />
<br />
Over the years, I have obviously bought every Gran Turismo released, loyal fool I am. And I've loved them all equally. They share a charming blandness, an uncompromising stiffness that only 'The Real Driving Simulator' possesses. The recipe hasn't altered, it's always been about loads of cars, a good representation of physics and an overall sensation of it being made for people that <i>love </i>cars. <br />
<br />
Which brings me quickly to a point, for once.<br />
<br />
Gran Turismo 6 is apparently the game GT5 was supposed to be, but couldn't due to pressure from serious-looking Japanese executives. I have no idea if this is true, you can research it if you want to!<br />
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GT5 was superb in my opinion, it felt like GT to me. I loved the fact that it still wore a well-ironed cardigan, and hadn't bowed to pressure from loud gaming rednecks to 'dumb-down' the handling. Online racing with GT5 was, once you'd gathered enough like-minded murderers, an absolute joy. Hosting lobbies full of good, clean racers was a very rewarding experience, and worth the time & effort it took to weed out all the first-corner kids & Xbox owners! Stupid hill-billies!<br />
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GT6 is probably going to be dazzling. Not full of banging dubstep, strobing memes or shrieking, violent children detailing the intimate relationship they have with your Mother. It'll be all strange piano jazz, millions of obscure variants of Nissan cars, a handful of beautifully crafted circuits and those same old BONGS and BINGS that have always accompanied menu choices!<br />
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You could say I'm overly excited, but Gran Turismo is a towering monument in my gaming landscape. It's one of those titles that I'll always forgive, I'll always return to and I'll always defend.<br />
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I fricken' love it, man. So you should too.<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*YinkYinkYinken is going off on ANOTHER <span style="font-size: xx-small;">'Stag do', so this post is<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> written hastily between mouthfuls of porridge & the ironing of under<span style="font-size: xx-small;">pants<span style="font-size: xx-small;">. See you next <span style="font-size: xx-small;">Sunday</span>, loyal readers!</span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-35855247603038075322013-05-12T10:30:00.002+01:002013-05-12T17:38:43.563+01:00Let's punch a Wookiee!Hello there, gorgeous!<br />
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This week, a games factory called EA announced it was going to craft multiple titles based on characters, locations, trousers and cats found in the Star Wars universe. Big news indeed.<br />
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Being as I am a soft nerd in my 30's, an affinity to Star Wars is obligatory. I was too young for Episode...1? But I think I was around for Episode 2. No, 3. The first films. You know, the old ones. The ones with Indiana Jones in. The original, proper ones. Is it IV or V? Or I? Or VI? Why do people think Roman numerals add an intellectual weight to things? If I call myself YinkYinkYinkenXXXVI will people suddenly start reading & commenting here, adding deeply incisive & relevant feedback to the deserted comments section? No, no they won't, damn them all to hell and back! Liars!<br />
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Sorry about that. The Star Wars area always makes me furious. I hate the way my childhood has been plundered, altered and defaced. It's like someone vandalising your Grandmother, and then sneakily giving her a gender-swap operation while you're not looking. It's still your old grannie, but you don't recognise her/him and certainly don't want to give her/him a kiss at Christmas!<br />
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Man, I love Star Wars. I used to get together with my friend from across the street, 'Marcus', when we were kids and combine all our Star Wars toys into a grand nerd army. There would be a pair of Milennium Falcons, which I know is a major lore error right there, but we were small and unaware of the importance of continuity.<br />
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We had all the major characters, but no Princess Leia, as a female action figure was considered a doll, of course, and would have lead to expulsion from the macho, working-class nerd gang I was in, due to contracting 'nits' from the contaminated girl toy.<br />
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We'd line up all 16 of our stormtroopers and then Mr. Darth Vader would hop down the ranks, inspecting the troops in a squeaky voice, with Ribena on his cape. Greatness!<br />
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I never had a TIE fighter, though, which still saddens me and keeps me awake most nights. I wake suddenly, and dart around my house opening all the drawers and cupboards rummaging frantically, until my scared, confused, crying wife injects me with something that makes me stop! <br />
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So, what has this got to do with games, I hear nobody ask? Well, Star Wars lends itself to gaming perfectly (you would think). So, in order to celebrate/mourn the news from EA, I thought I'd expose my memories to you. Sounds good, no? Yes! Hurry to read this huge extravaganza!<br />
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First up, The Empire Strikes Back on the Atari 2600 VCS! Look and be respectful, boss:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4BYH0-3a26INCvz7rpO42nog2eFbhHxj8pn9NDj9NlLUbQx6No8wGL7MEZiU7jz8T03MXiWUe-aFJOIQpb6BJhoA1pAM3p-FXus2metAcdxwhyI4WaNhhXwADnOUNLQXMJoylO5UmPfU/s1600/Atari_2600_The_Empire_Strikes_Back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4BYH0-3a26INCvz7rpO42nog2eFbhHxj8pn9NDj9NlLUbQx6No8wGL7MEZiU7jz8T03MXiWUe-aFJOIQpb6BJhoA1pAM3p-FXus2metAcdxwhyI4WaNhhXwADnOUNLQXMJoylO5UmPfU/s1600/Atari_2600_The_Empire_Strikes_Back.jpg" height="320" width="232" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at the tasty cover, Son.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikUC5eY2JA77UrLjUPBCx9D5_CQPZPTREU8YCWQ3NYR77DOSVIIdbQMb_MemuStrfZQImQ4y0DwyTGrkq5eu-mHNLZvjFxJongrmXaVPWEqcBlCysunXuS4_kNKt-BsffIu3lCUlFANgQ/s1600/empire-strikes-back_392.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikUC5eY2JA77UrLjUPBCx9D5_CQPZPTREU8YCWQ3NYR77DOSVIIdbQMb_MemuStrfZQImQ4y0DwyTGrkq5eu-mHNLZvjFxJongrmXaVPWEqcBlCysunXuS4_kNKt-BsffIu3lCUlFANgQ/s1600/empire-strikes-back_392.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is like actually being nestled in George Lucas' beard!</td></tr>
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As the above shows, the cover of the cartridge was <i>awesome. </i>So convincing was it, I'd actually <i>put my coat on </i>to play it. The ice-world Hoff was a cold, merciless place full of plodding, fascist AT-AT walkers intent on pooping on your rebel bungalow, which you had to defend at all costs.<br />
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The point of the game? Shoot a weak-spot on the AT-AT walker with your speeder, before the AT-AT shot you down OR reached the pathetically weak rebel bungalow. The weak spot moved about on each walker, you'll be surprised to read, which was mind-blowingly challenging at the time. It was probably terrible, but it succeeded in transporting kids into the Star Wars universe, and made me nag for more toys. You win, Mr. Lucas! Have some money!<br />
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Next, this thing called Return Of The Jedi, memories of which can be found here:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW864jSRyKRhck1UqeQMh55cGUbFNYHKY_11kTE2QSqS6TqSnin7xPGUd6GfRK9oc2xlt-A8gZIr5hkYuHrlLvzXw_PxHyhlQcq4DjMgTrY6aJ0LD4Es-Xg0mVWEpKW-4Z7_KyG4-C1P0/s1600/return_of_the_jedi_01.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW864jSRyKRhck1UqeQMh55cGUbFNYHKY_11kTE2QSqS6TqSnin7xPGUd6GfRK9oc2xlt-A8gZIr5hkYuHrlLvzXw_PxHyhlQcq4DjMgTrY6aJ0LD4Es-Xg0mVWEpKW-4Z7_KyG4-C1P0/s1600/return_of_the_jedi_01.gif" height="250" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The loading screen to end all loading screens. Is good, no?</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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It's Return Of The Jedi on the Amstrad CPC464! And wow, was it a looker. The graphics were so good, I'm going to put ANOTHER picture here so you can pretend you were with me too:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix0AF04hdDHJQpCT5QHIXuOuOFltvd0O0MGqJz542y3iqfHywmyE4snMQq8Jy_feCyYSLz6dPkqIxyKXk8r65xGQ73wipjm0VbZp9u2TgSN_0JrFEhE7XHZ8-zU44hU4rOeT3hiD_X0Ug/s1600/return_of_the_jedi_05.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix0AF04hdDHJQpCT5QHIXuOuOFltvd0O0MGqJz542y3iqfHywmyE4snMQq8Jy_feCyYSLz6dPkqIxyKXk8r65xGQ73wipjm0VbZp9u2TgSN_0JrFEhE7XHZ8-zU44hU4rOeT3hiD_X0Ug/s1600/return_of_the_jedi_05.gif" height="250" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">RESPECT the SCENERY while you avoid logs & boulders, yo.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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As you can see if you can be bothered to point your face at the screen, this game was stunning to look at, really accomplished in that area. It had everything, speeder bikes being driven dangerously in a forest, that bit were Lando flies into the heart of the second Death Star with that Mexican alien, and a battle against an oddly-scaled Star Destroyer. Fwizzzz! (That's a light-sabre sound effect, baby.)</div>
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I think the point of the game was to simply revisit scenes from the movie, albeit via the dark world of isometrics. Or something. Stop hitting me with maths! Anyway, it worked, and I loved it. Again, it did exactly what it set out to do, which was grease the enormous wheels of cold, hard merchandising! Victory to Mr. Lucas!</div>
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Onwards, my invisible friends on the internet, to a place I like to call Star Wars Demoliton, which was to be found slotted into the PlayStation. It was basically the lovely Vigilante 8 with Star Wars skins, and it was awfully dull. Strange really, I loved Vigilante 8, so why I didn't love this is a mystery to me. Vigilante 8 was kind of like Twisted Metal, but far more imaginative and with lots more class. Imagine comparing a chicken to a chimpanzee, and you're on the right track, brother.</div>
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Oh go on then, have an image you greedy fool:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOB56CaB1k3zPQahPD-6mOt3eWTX54LB9dCGlWVoRa5EVED36KJOJ-fGLiPu8RRONLu9Az3KB9EBimdyjYp7MwiFBkLcuDKB6Hf8rz916H4Fx1tRJD7SZAZxbIGqZ7MfHVyIgHhm0mahQ/s1600/Demolition.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOB56CaB1k3zPQahPD-6mOt3eWTX54LB9dCGlWVoRa5EVED36KJOJ-fGLiPu8RRONLu9Az3KB9EBimdyjYp7MwiFBkLcuDKB6Hf8rz916H4Fx1tRJD7SZAZxbIGqZ7MfHVyIgHhm0mahQ/s1600/Demolition.jpg" height="310" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It even has a sticker on the front confessing to it being a skin job!</td></tr>
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God, this is turning into a huge effort. No, I'll soldier on, like a wounded man desperate for the toilet.</div>
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Next up, well, it's the KOTOR titles. Knights Of The Obvious Resolution, if you are obsessed with acronym explanations!</div>
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These two titles are RPG style affairs, with levelling up, weapon customisation blah blah and all that Sith jazz. It is pretty much clear what is going to happen and how it will end, the best you can do is try to make the journey as funny as possible, like going into a supermarket and arranging all the vegetables into controversial poses before security 'catches' you!</div>
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I do enjoy silly chat options in games, and I solemnly swear I shall always choose the most ridiculous option available. Dragon Age Origins had me in stitches with the comedy available, but the KOTOR games weren't too far behind. Skyrim, however, is as dry and humourless as a forum reply from an overly-confrontational, know-it-all nerd desperate to crush you with his towering Google/thesaurus combo word-based ass-kicking! That is one miserable experience!</div>
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Quickly, stare in wonder as I flash my KOTOR at you, before someone sees:</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvw9vqQIE1ZI-r7LuNWMzGzo_Az9UUCegkk3ksxDz5GvY7bkc4vsYkLw6PMknDIBigTadSjAFdIx4ndFeR8hvNZJcxaCzwj1tm40VqwQk2_praqFuKjL2JrjAI0WuumQdRMvM4O2uXHYg/s1600/kotor038.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvw9vqQIE1ZI-r7LuNWMzGzo_Az9UUCegkk3ksxDz5GvY7bkc4vsYkLw6PMknDIBigTadSjAFdIx4ndFeR8hvNZJcxaCzwj1tm40VqwQk2_praqFuKjL2JrjAI0WuumQdRMvM4O2uXHYg/s1600/kotor038.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
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Next came the Battlefront titles. Perched in the FPS genre, these were the best of the lot. Similar in form to the Battlefield games, vehicular & infantry combat was included for our pleasure. They looked great, felt great, the locations were dynamic and immersive. For Dogs sake, you could even fly an X-wing into a big capital ship, get out and start some trouble, like a man riding a horse into a shoe shop, swatting at the staff with an umbrella and wrecking the displays! Glorious!</div>
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It looked like this in places, Chief:</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alien lacking binocular vision attempts to fire RPG near expensive hardware: Heartbreaking disaster guaranteed.</td></tr>
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It was great. My mate was always pestering me to play split-screen with him, and it was awesome. It had a sense of scale, a sense of location. It was really rather charming. It had the lot, and for once had no apparent ulterior motive for its existence! Or maybe I'm too naive to see it. It was a properly good set of gaming trousers, for once. That goes for both titles, you needn't worry. I'm not expanding <i>too </i>much on them because they will feature in an upcoming article, so calm yourself! No need to rant!</div>
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Star Wars: Empire At War was rubbish, I'm not wasting time on it. Go away and never return!</div>
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Star Wars: Republic Commando was awful. Banish it to gaming hell, force it to wear a dress!</div>
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So, that's my incorrect and probably incomplete history done. How was it for you? Any of it familiar? Did you love any of them more than me? Did I miss a gem? Do you want to buy me a pint?</div>
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This brings us, bored & wheezing, to the conclusion.</div>
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EA are going to make Star Wars titles. DICE are going to be involved. DICE manufacture the Battlefield series. It's not unimaginable that DICE will revisit Battlefront. Is this good?</div>
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I <i>hope </i>so. I really, really do. I'd <i>love </i>a huge, immersive, multi-faceted shooter based in the Star Wars universe. I'd love to defend trenches on the ice planet Hoff with 60-odd other random loons online, as speeders scream overhead and AT-ATs rake our position with heavy fire. Yes please.</div>
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I'd love to watch someone struggle to manoeuvre a capital ship into position to defend evacuating troop carriers, while the opposing team throw wave after wave of TIE fighters at us, Star Destroyers appearing at the edge of the system making the whole scene more urgent & tense. Oh yes. </div>
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Are these things even possible? Marrying tactical space combat with solid FPS play, depending on each other to complete the overall picture? Or am I woefully optimistic about what can be achieved in our fantastic gaming age? I don't know, I'm too stupid.</div>
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Planetside 2 is doing OK, it seems, albeit with an inescapable impenetrability that seems to hold it back from being what it could be. But any game with such depth is bound to be difficult to get to grips with, right? Or wrong? Will EA, with all its experience with the AAA market, give us a huge experience that is attractive to everyone? </div>
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Will the PC, with all its power and increasing popularity, be overlooked once again as the main platform for such wonders?</div>
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Will the Star Wars legacy be treated well? Will we get the definitive experience, the one title that all fans, young and old, will look to and say "yes, THAT is what Star Wars is supposed to feel like to me"? Or will we get a generic shooter/strategy game every november until the Sun implodes?</div>
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I wish I knew, but I'm quietly optimistic. I want to believe, Yoda. Make it so. Oh wait, that's the <i>other </i>franchise starting with the word 'star'. Sorry. They're so similar. Space and all that. </div>
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May the force be with you, sweetheart.</div>
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GL & HF!</div>
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-3363827327062071712013-05-05T10:45:00.002+01:002013-05-05T10:45:54.206+01:00Our new neighbours!Oh, hello there you smouldering lovely!<br />
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This week, I<i>'</i>ve been visiting various forums <i>looking for something. </i>And, in almost every case I'm sad to say, I found <i>that something.</i> What is that something, I hear nobody at all ask? Read on, and I shall slowly reveal my curvy, enticing mind to you. What a dish!<br />
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To begin, I'd like to take you back in time. I don't own a time-travelling DeLorean, nor do I own a big blue phone box that makes a 'Waaaaarupp! waaaaarupp! waaaaarupp!' noise as it vanishes into thin air, with a freshly abducted (yet oddly compliant) young woman inside that I replace every other year, like some kind of intergalactic Hugh Hefner. No, you'll just have to use your imagination like the rest of us!<br />
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We're going back to take a look at how, back in the day yo yo, being a gamer was certainly nothing to be proud of. Being a quiet, daydreaming kid was one thing, but revealing you controlled a little pixelated character on a TV screen marked you out as some sort of sickening pervert, hunched over a joystick with drool spraying out of your mouth. Yes, I honestly recall playing computer games was something to be ashamed of, a cripplingly nerdy pastime for only the most extreme, cringe-inducing weeds.<br />
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None of the cool kids played video games when I was a kid. The shops that stocked games, in either cassette or cartridge form, where filled by only one stereotype. The bespectacled, puny, slightly awkward kids that generally did well at school. I think if any of the cool, sporty kids that spoke about dodgy things I wouldn't discover for at least another two years had entered a game shop they would have combusted on the spot, as the sheer volume of unfashionable nerdiness came crashing into their cigarette & tattoo-obsessed minds!<br />
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All the kids that liked video games would inevitably gravitate toward each other, forming little knots of enthusiasts flashing crumpled games magazines at each other, school bags rattling with cassette cases for lending, joysticks & paddles with wires coiled around them destined for the giddying, overwhelmingly exciting two-player games that popped up here and there. See?<br />
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Gaming was a covert, clandestine pastime conducted in virtual secrecy, a hidden world of whispered conversations & back-handed game swappery. Your world would literally end if a GIRL heard that you played video games, followed by a biblical amount of mockery from all the tough kids. Girls were hard-wired to find anything involving your imagination repulsive & horrifying, but at the time we had no idea why that was so important. Ignorant pigs!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje7TDD-avumSYY4ADAlJeNYaDR54V5v0r4Kemq4A7sdN_eKAKhMWJGIe39NeQEnxBRL5N9HQXazbkakQUhilU9lyyYqH2UN3QpOfrshCLhK7Ro_1MveggI6WKD8rZjx0lFuYgNRWBnBco/s1600/SEAS_R106017_340_404.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje7TDD-avumSYY4ADAlJeNYaDR54V5v0r4Kemq4A7sdN_eKAKhMWJGIe39NeQEnxBRL5N9HQXazbkakQUhilU9lyyYqH2UN3QpOfrshCLhK7Ro_1MveggI6WKD8rZjx0lFuYgNRWBnBco/s1600/SEAS_R106017_340_404.jpg" height="320" width="269" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me, being scorned by some girls, yesterday afternoon.</td></tr>
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Fast forward lots of years, and something happened. If you have a huge brain you will understand that gaming became popular. Very popular. And, as with all things that become trendy, the nerd-edge was removed. Cool kids arrived on our lovely world and trashed it to hell. Those vermin!<br />
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Gaming today is like sending a text, or wearing a waistcoat. Everybody does it. Men, women, kids, elderly grumblers and even <i>Americans</i>. I know, it's a shock to the system, Brother. And all this brings me nicely to my rubbish conclusion.<br />
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What was that something I was looking for this week? Well, I was looking for evidence of how that lovely, quiet little secret world we used to inhabit has been invaded and colonised by trendy people wearing fake-tan, oversize black spectacles & mock vintage band t-shirts. I was also searching for evidence of the outrage that occupation by a foreign force brings, and I found it all surrounding one title.<br />
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Call Of Duty. 'CoD'.<br />
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Every forum I visited held up this game as the example of the invaders propaganda, it's players vilified as clueless drones desperate to add 'gaming' to their BookFace/Tweeter profiles. The thuggish, comically aggressive players attracted to it are the epitome of the swearing & scrapping rough kids that used to terrify the legitimate nerds/gamers back in the early days, polar opposites almost. They have (nor do they make any attempt at) no diversity or depth, and have no interest in broadening their gaming horizons beyond buying the next instalment in the series. They are properly horrible chaps, and they deserve your fury, it seems. Or not! Look and decide please:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcROR3rpUVJJ-Y4wBBsPRxftEPJa6SaiRMg8Whb0QxeJoN3ObhiGvn7yhzB8Map9tv9ElP0zqLb7hPZLyhiuIiIObdKZOoCW75botgMJSe1DJ1Vq6ga2nAivrCxH4wIOR9m8hCcIbS0zk/s1600/faketanboys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcROR3rpUVJJ-Y4wBBsPRxftEPJa6SaiRMg8Whb0QxeJoN3ObhiGvn7yhzB8Map9tv9ElP0zqLb7hPZLyhiuIiIObdKZOoCW75botgMJSe1DJ1Vq6ga2nAivrCxH4wIOR9m8hCcIbS0zk/s1600/faketanboys.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Call Of Duty clan 'dissing' someones KPD, monday.</td></tr>
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But what am I trying to say here? Well, look. I think the more committed gamers dislike the shallow nature of the trendy player, or 'casual'. They view them with distaste, mistrust and, well, fear. They see how their private, niche world has been thrown into the VERY mainstream and they hate it. They see how the landscape is seemingly being reformed to cater for uncaring scoundrels. They don't like the lack of knowledge, the lack of <i>respect </i>for where this shiny hobby has come from, but isn't the very presence of casuals evidence that gaming has reached the top?<br />
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I'm afraid you can't have success without hollow hangers-on, Son. Gaming is only going to get bigger and attract more slutty groupies, eager to be 'tagged' in a compromising photo for their own gains!<br />
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Don't be too sad, but our heavenly world of 100% enthusiasm from all involved has gone forever.<br />
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I suppose we all have to just live with it, and try our best to ignore our noisy new neighbours. After all, we were here first, why should we move house? <br />
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Hmm, my point is even more unclear than when I started. Help, maybe?<br />
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Until next time, be strong and try your best at all times!<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-27818891004935681542013-04-28T13:36:00.000+01:002013-04-28T13:36:13.782+01:00'Stag Do' simulators!!I say, you there! Yes, you. Hello!<br />
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This week I'd like to try and ascertain which game most closely captures the essence of a superb tradition. This tradition, dear sweating friends, is something called a 'Stag Do'.<br />
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The 'Stag Do' is a man-only party held to celebrate the last fleeting moment of freedom a doomed man has, before he is imprisoned inside the depressing dungeon known as 'marriage'. The term 'Stag' is used because, halfway into the party and due to alcohol chomping, all language is lost and replaced by various wet snorts, grunts and gasps. Like what a Stag does, probably. Makes sense.<br />
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So, we're looking for games that have a high level of freedom, some slight debauchery and maybe a wee bit of team-spirit. And maybe beers. And strippers. Because I am a genius, I came up with a few candidates for your consideration, sweetheart. Read on, please!<br />
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Right, so the obvious choice would be the Grand Theft Auto series. These titles feature lots of the key ingredients of a 'Stag Do' sim, as you can probably tell from the following image:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8DSHjPCiC7bsp1XgIuLzALdZTrAPkbz7t1yvtWWY80a38HDprzcn9lYh0x0Sj8MK75QOUpBuexokJmkWlx2tJVkMaHyhkV_oqziglKSewLIwh8Zod0T5LP2xJf_-EAp58BFtZ-6OoOJc/s1600/GTA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8DSHjPCiC7bsp1XgIuLzALdZTrAPkbz7t1yvtWWY80a38HDprzcn9lYh0x0Sj8MK75QOUpBuexokJmkWlx2tJVkMaHyhkV_oqziglKSewLIwh8Zod0T5LP2xJf_-EAp58BFtZ-6OoOJc/s1600/GTA.jpg" height="227" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What the hell??</td></tr>
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The GTA series has lots of freedom, lots of dodgy morals and the occasional appearance from the coppers, all of which fit the 'Stag' bill just fine. If you so choose you can enter various establishments wherein a pixellated lady will remove her data bra for you, or you can purchase a number of alcoholic beverages which will render you a staggering, hard-to-steer mess. It even has fast food outlets to give you the 'Stag' must-have of violent vomiting!<br />
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You can also randomly punch innocent passers-by to the ground, vandalise everything in sight or even steal a high-performance sports car and drive it off a mountain, complete with screaming hostage in the passenger seat! Good times!<br />
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Hmm. Actually, lots of these things are just too extreme for even the most boozed-up gang of mischievous revellers. We know 'Stag' parties can, and often do, get a little out of hand, but I think even I would have to draw the line if my mate rode a stolen motorcycle into a strip club, then used a flame-thrower on all the clientèle. I'd probably have a word.<br />
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So GTA is a bit too crazy for consideration, kids. Also, it's a lonely solo experience, missing the loose, fuzzy camaraderie of a bunch of 'Stagging' mates. Onwards! <br />
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The next candidate is a little something I like to call 'Skyrim'. This game is from the genre known as RPG, or RABT (Randomly Assigned Bizarre Task), and features absolutely <i>loads </i>of walking about aimlessly waiting for something to happen. Which is a staple of the 'Stag' experience. <br />
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Even though Skyrim is a single-player affair, the presence of lots of NPC's (you say you like games? I shouldn't need to explain that one, son) adds a kind of 'group' feel to the proceedings. Also, if you've ever been on a decent 'Stag' you'll understand that all your friends/people of momentary significance have a huge arrow hovering over their heads, due to several shots of dubious, sickly brain poison.<br />
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Some of the locations present in the world of Skyrim also have that feel of queuing up to get into a particularly mysterious nightclub, only to find it populated entirely by aggressive, unreasonable zombies swinging their fists at you. Very realistic 'Staggery'! See my thoughts here:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoBjzPUY_gb_B8zHJhqnMh5t53IY5je4fJR-a_rwbCQ8LiUCzxEmHU1RdTYS6buHFbIg871blNP4H4EOb8fzU3mQaTutSnuDoPQv5AQDWG2fxCExB0w2yfNol83O204iKFNByohn0xh4s/s1600/Draugr.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoBjzPUY_gb_B8zHJhqnMh5t53IY5je4fJR-a_rwbCQ8LiUCzxEmHU1RdTYS6buHFbIg871blNP4H4EOb8fzU3mQaTutSnuDoPQv5AQDWG2fxCExB0w2yfNol83O204iKFNByohn0xh4s/s1600/Draugr.png" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh god this guy's going to kick-off with me. Why why why. I only asked where the toilets are. Jesus!</td></tr>
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The big issue against this title, however, is the stuffy, unfunny quality it has. It's a bit like going on a 'Stag Do' with people that have all suffered a devastating bereavement the night before, and are then, understandably, a bit light on laughs. Cast it to the dogs!<br />
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So, we have reached the winner (according to me). It could only be one. It fits so well.<br />
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Team Fortress 2!<br />
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Why? Well, the reasons are many and are coming at you right now like a furious bouncer with a kebab thrown onto his chest!<br />
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Let's begin with the mixed, disparate bunch of characters assembled for your team. This is pure 'Stag Do' magic here, as every 'Stag' party consists of at least three groups of people that have never met before. Different ages, different social statuses, someone's Dad, someone's next door neighbour, someone fat, someone thin and the inevitable drunken psycho. This wildly varied posse ensures confusion will have no problem finding a home here!<br />
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Next is the actual way TF2 <i>plays</i>. Just like a 'Stag' party, there are a couple of people with a clear objective in mind, then there are a couple of people too confused to contribute on any level, and then there are one or two folks just happy to gleefully disrupt any attempt at organisation! This, just like the real thing, leads to the occasional bout of team in-fighting and girlish sulking. Great!<br />
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Sure, TF2 has no 'Gentlemen's clubs' or in-game liquor, but it has something far, far more important to the 'Stag' genre. Something that has been a cultural pillar of society since the dawn of time. Something of such enormous importance to the 'Stag' experience that this search for a 'Stag Do' sim was more or less over as soon as it began. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you FANCY DRESS:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6iR6f2_bSyLZg7evNELxhC7BKAFKAzE9sd2CNinklrCD0Qbq3ygyOZhQ9tNz__kdizZUj-8pLOWsDHQyQHfXp6vBbqRFDoWxhZnZeqnN81V99lVjFHUWo01Sp4BdYF0UVgdxPi-lM1Do/s1600/200px-Heavy_Grand_Duchess_Set.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6iR6f2_bSyLZg7evNELxhC7BKAFKAzE9sd2CNinklrCD0Qbq3ygyOZhQ9tNz__kdizZUj-8pLOWsDHQyQHfXp6vBbqRFDoWxhZnZeqnN81V99lVjFHUWo01Sp4BdYF0UVgdxPi-lM1Do/s1600/200px-Heavy_Grand_Duchess_Set.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heavy is pwetty pwincess!</td></tr>
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Fancy dress is absolutley crucial to a memorable 'Stag Do'. Humanity would fall into primitive savagery without the ability to stagger onto a dance-floor while dressed as Buzz Lightyear, or have an awkward scuffle over a taxi while in full drag (with wig & high heels). Bonus!<br />
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All these ingredients result in the most accurate 'Stag party' simulator in gaming history. Or not! Congratulations to Team Fortress 2 anyway, let's not be bitter. I'm going now anyway, sister!<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*Yink attended a Stag Do last night, and has another approaching soon,and was light on material.</span><br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-24397919640788005672013-04-23T18:02:00.000+01:002014-08-02T15:35:19.140+01:00I hate beat 'em ups!Hi, neighbour!<br />
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Just popped in (......) to announce that I have decided something. This 'something' is that I always have, and probably always will, despised the 'beat 'em up' genre!<br />
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Why? Are you serious? You need clarification in the form of text? OK then.<br />
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First, a description of a beat 'em up, or 'fighting' game. These titles involve two idiots selecting a character that is usually some kind of gym-enhanced stripper, or some type of 80's martial arts stereotype. You know, like an Afro Bruce Lee or a karate robot.<br />
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Then, the two participating fools select a ludicrous location for their bickering session, with no sort of logic applied to how these characters ended up scuffling on the Sphinx's forehead, or in a hot tub on the back of a lorry driving through medieval Germany. Stupid!<br />
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Then, the pair of clowns participating in this nonsense rapidly stab every possible button available to them, sometimes holding several down at once in random fashion. Through a process of blind luck & repetition one of the challengers executes some kind of daft, physics-defying manoeuvre wherein their character gains an extra set of knees! This additional set of joints allows their chosen stripper to envelope the enraged enemy karate robot in a laughably fruity headlock. Can you believe this?<br />
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Then, to satisfy the pair of sillies playing, the word 'PERFECT!' flashes up on the screen, accompanied by a small taunt from the victorious combat stripper (which usually allows a sneaky peek at their pixellated undercrackers). Look here now:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEeAkJ_g6pTeTkvMxcXcoe4GWkdaCLzWZlB2Cs2lY5rAGvrBvuE6GpYNMITM7vmysiEr-4EjcZYa9_H6QmvPAXaPVnB1fCDZV4SrHkJPrYeKrGxJKLuPmTnxkNaG13n0SE3A9_DOeEoT8/s1600/perfect9ar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEeAkJ_g6pTeTkvMxcXcoe4GWkdaCLzWZlB2Cs2lY5rAGvrBvuE6GpYNMITM7vmysiEr-4EjcZYa9_H6QmvPAXaPVnB1fCDZV4SrHkJPrYeKrGxJKLuPmTnxkNaG13n0SE3A9_DOeEoT8/s1600/perfect9ar.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well done! Award yourself some crisps!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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Praise be to the gaming gods that this tripe is in decline, even on those console things that you can buy if you want to!<br />
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Anybody over the age of 12 has absolutely NO EXCUSE for playing this stuff anymore, as images of ladies' legs, heads & underarms are now easily obtained via the internet. I just performed a quick 3 hour search using Google images, tissues & Lucozade, and can confirm they are certainly there.<br />
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Ahem.<br />
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They are perhaps universally offensive to women in their eye-watering anatomical buffoonery too!<br />
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So there you go, beat 'em ups are for children curious about women. Case closed!*<br />
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GL & HF!<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*The beat 'em up genre has one the highest skill requirements for competitive play</span>, <span style="font-size: xx-small;">and has been a key player in popularising our hobby.</span>AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-63300039256773718492013-04-21T09:55:00.000+01:002014-08-02T15:31:45.147+01:00Then and now!Please stop staring at me, Son.<br />
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Hi! I insincerely hope you're all well! Are you literally crippled with anticipation regarding this weeks post? Then hurt no longer my beauty, I'm here!<br />
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I thought I'd attempt to examine the differences between gamers today, and gamers from roughly twenty years ago, and then arrive at an inconclusive, confused conclusion. I am a God!<br />
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To begin, let me whisk your stylish trousers back to when I was a disgusting child, around 11-12 years old (obviously I gamed before this, but I consider this to be the <i>real </i>awakening of my gaming loins). I'd catch the bus with the few nerds I knew from school, and we'd descend upon *WHSmiths like a tiny plague of skinny locusts, hungry for new-release corn. We had no idea what was due, what was out or what we'd missed, we just knew that games were in there, and wanted to handle the cassette cases, and try to imagine how the game would play solely based on the screenshots on the back of the packaging. Pathetic!<br />
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*WHSmiths is a chain of shops that sells 'things' to 'people' in exchange for so-called 'money'. It's a suspicious place full of strangers, and it smells of carpet.<br />
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As we all jostled there, each one shrieking over the other 'Look at this!' 'Have you seen this?' 'Whoooooa this looks skill!' 'Stop staring at my sister!' and that, we'd be sold almost entirely on how we expected it to look once we got it home to our Amstrads, Commodores and Spectrums.<br />
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In other words, our criteria for a purchase was very simple. WAIT. I've successfully identified a difference between contemporary gamers & 'early' gamers, and as such I think it deserves a bullet point:<br />
<ul>
<li>Our expectations and criteria for a purchase used to be much less, nowadays we demand a tailor-made experience despite all the complications & heartache that brings. </li>
</ul>
So, we made our respective multi-format purchases, and caught the bus home. The 'bus home' refers to public transport, not some exotic disease transmitted by unprotected driving of a double-decked vehicle. Did that gag work? Who cares, nobody reads this anyway! Move along, Son.<br />
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The time spent on the bus was crucial, as it allowed intensive study of the cassette inlay. The inlay always contained a brief synopsis of the title, the all-important controls, and usually some fantastic artwork. I have no clue why I was so obsessed with controls, as I used a joystick anyway, but there you go!<br />
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Anyway, once arriving at home the loading process began, complete with all the well-documented & lovingly remembered loading sounds, which I shall attempt to reconstruct for your viewing pleasure/crushing disapproval:<br />
<ul>
<li>BoooooooooWip!</li>
<li>Booooooooooooooooooooo!</li>
<li>BooooooBzzzzzzzzzzWipBzzzzzzzzzzWoooooooBzzzzzzzzzVuzVuzVuzVuzBoooooo!</li>
</ul>
Accompanying this symphony of expectation was a horizontally-revealed loading screen, designed to distract you from the 15-20 minutes of hell you had to endure in order to swallow the gaming meat. Sometimes, the game would 'crash' and you'd have to suffer it all again! Flaming hellfire!<br />
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Here, have one on me: <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtupbTCdgEHc6EEethd29foyA-5kEAFWOIs4JoHlhP_M-65qj5RlSTDKb0TvzyJSiKY6MfM4KJSC2-qhUxcROf8RRdgaQuf46g_3W4nO89gEEWgNm6Gk01ciVIeV_8zjZQ1wtTfa8gCC0/s1600/tumblr_md683i3dXy1r3ktb7.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtupbTCdgEHc6EEethd29foyA-5kEAFWOIs4JoHlhP_M-65qj5RlSTDKb0TvzyJSiKY6MfM4KJSC2-qhUxcROf8RRdgaQuf46g_3W4nO89gEEWgNm6Gk01ciVIeV_8zjZQ1wtTfa8gCC0/s1600/tumblr_md683i3dXy1r3ktb7.gif" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">15 minutes of staring at this, you fancy it? No? What's your point? Spit it out, don't be shy. What, you need your mates to back you up? You think I'm soft? Do you? Don't look at them, look at me. I'm talking to you.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Eventually the noise would stop, the loading screen would disappear and off you went into gaming bliss. WAIT. I think I may have just given birth to another disfigured bullet point in relation to the topic:<br />
<ul>
<li>Contemporary gamers want everything instantly, any form of delay warrants a gigantic strop & hundreds of bitter forum posts. Early gamers would sit through, in some cases, <i>hours </i>of waiting & messing about in order to play a <i>terrible </i>game. Youthful ignorance or innocent passion for the genre? Tell me. No seriously, tell me or **I'LL CUT YOU.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Right, onto the games themselves. Let's be honest here, lots of old games were bad. They looked bad, played bad, and contained more bugs than a tramps knickers. However, we loved them anyway. That seems moronic, but what choice did we have? We couldn't access forums, 'Tweet', 'Poke', 'Like' or 'Cuff' the developers, or even send a poorly-worded email. I think I've just given birth again:<br />
<ul>
<li>Direct access & contact with developers has made contemporary gamers far more demanding, for better or worse. Probably worse. They demand demand demand, then leave the title as soon as a new midget appears, flaunting their thighs. I mean game. Game. Yes.</li>
</ul>
<br />
So, it seems to me that the advent of the internet has altered gaming irreversibly. Even early gamers like me have been changed, and I'm unsure if it's good or bad. I think input into the things we love is crucial, but at the same time destructive input can be damaging for everyone. I'm sure a rough majority of all gamers have the best intentions at heart, but then there are uniquely modern phenomena such as 'Trolls' and meme-obsessed hipsters that offer zero or less to our beloved games.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the giant, billowing, out-of-place toupee perched on the head of gaming known as DLC, it's just a subject that demands a LOT of discussion. And frankly, it's been done to death and back and then killed again. And then done again. And back.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMFvCEd5LTtmU3lzsmnmc6BXT5Eu8iKpMbM8470_YAhLbnCL6SmzgnNU64tVIRFKI472qbew5XFshNWtvaiWiLrOs2fxwAgWuBKvqvv1ffhy7tmQWTfM1kgn0zwUydZvUZ0CUyfQZTSY/s1600/polls_toupee02_0220_708241_poll_xlarge.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsMFvCEd5LTtmU3lzsmnmc6BXT5Eu8iKpMbM8470_YAhLbnCL6SmzgnNU64tVIRFKI472qbew5XFshNWtvaiWiLrOs2fxwAgWuBKvqvv1ffhy7tmQWTfM1kgn0zwUydZvUZ0CUyfQZTSY/s1600/polls_toupee02_0220_708241_poll_xlarge.gif" height="320" width="198" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'Hey, you get that new DLC? It fits seamlessly into the fanbase, and causes no divison whatsoever!'</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Would Sir like a conclusion? Sir would? Would Sir like it in bullet point format? Certainly, Sir:<br />
<ul>
<li>Contemporary gamers are not inferior to early gamers.</li>
<li>Early gamers didn't have any form of dialogue with developers</li>
<li>Contemporary gamers have far higher expectations, due in part to the above point.</li>
<li>There is an implied impatience surrounding the modern gamer, but I'm unsure of its origin.</li>
<li>Contemporary gamers don't stick around like early gamers did, glorious PC master race excepted. This gaming sluttery leads to developers being less invested in their work, maybe? Perhaps being a little more 'throwaway', as they perceive their market to be?</li>
</ul>
The huge majority of gamers will probably wonder what the hairy hell I am screaming about here, but hopefully some of you will understand my points. Imagine I'm a brain-damaged chimp, and you're a ground-breaking chimp neurosurgeon capable of repairing me! Medic!<br />
<br />
I think I'll squirt out a midweek post too, so please come back! Please! And bring a friend! But not that creepy guy with the ears.<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
<br />
**I am a complete coward that sometimes doesn't answer his own front door, and therefore rejects violence in all forms. I'm a gamer, not a fighter.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-44231134292917153702013-04-14T14:58:00.000+01:002013-05-12T17:41:19.357+01:00The waiting game...Hello there! There!<br />
<br />
I have been crippled with the most severe cold in the history of humanity this week, and as a result my creativity is somewhat diminished. However, as this is crap anyway, you shouldn't notice!<br />
<br />
So, through my snot-drenched haze, I started thinking about the elements of gaming that don't seem to fire in my rotting brain anymore. There are many, many. <br />
<br />
One of which is the emotion known as anticipation. Is it an emotion? I don't know, I'm not a scientist!<br />
<br />
Ah, anticipation. Expectation. Excitement. Eagerness. Being stoked. Feeling pumped. Gagging for.<br />
<br />
Back when the gaming blood in my veins was thick, hot and frothy, I wanted to know everything I could about upcoming releases. Screenshots were like little windows into the future, each image coming to life in my tiny brain with a flourish. The accompanying text would be hungrily scanned over and over and over and over until I'd wrung every little detail from it. Then I'd read it again, subconsciously hoping I'd missed a bit. What a disgusting roach!<br />
<br />
Of course, this news (or 'future whisper' as I liked to call it as I cried myself to sleep) was printed into magazines, which were the only real source of information back then. The magazines I remember most fondly are Amstrad Computer User, Gamesmaster, Edge and, unavoidably, Official PlayStation. Also, a few copies of PC Gamer but not enough to really warrant a mention. Apart from this mention.<br />
<br />
Each magazine would be opened instantly at the reviews. I loved, and still love, reviews. Particularly bad ones. There's a grim entertainment in watching someones baby get kicked in the face by a sniffy, sneering stranger, whom then encourages his/her readership to avoid the face-kicked infant. Also, bad reviews are always funnier than good ones. This is fact, son.<br />
<br />
Accompanying the reviews would be the tasty, jewel-encrusted dish of screenshots. These photos would be stared at in silence for anywhere up to and including 45 minutes guaranteed, as my bulging eyes would try to somehow 'feel' how it would play simply by looking at them. Is that the health bar? Is that how many lives you get? Is that the ammo counter? Is that how many laps you have to do? Is that an end of level boss? Is that the version I'll be getting?<br />
<br />
Of course, any game-obsessed baboon will remember the infamous trick of using pics taken from other formats to trick you into false hope. When I gamed upon an Amstrad CPC 464 I was forever being taken for a ride by games publishers using Amiga screenshots to flog their milk to me. What I expected to be a lovely, rounded scene of colourful loveliness often was a blocky, black & green portrait of filth on my screen. It was a despicable act of treachery in my book, and one that has caused lasting scars on my personality!<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgor7kK_5dOYtGzyzCmjsRh9XSeA87ezOCbWgoaAFbbbdxMT3pgSDEiWAuEjxUTKdgct-0mrWjKLBx65Vb3YNyyWveriRHqmmELM6vncAHD5j4eO_sbN8NQ6jUfOQDCkMUKStdGOzOJCXw/s1600/ACU72.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgor7kK_5dOYtGzyzCmjsRh9XSeA87ezOCbWgoaAFbbbdxMT3pgSDEiWAuEjxUTKdgct-0mrWjKLBx65Vb3YNyyWveriRHqmmELM6vncAHD5j4eO_sbN8NQ6jUfOQDCkMUKStdGOzOJCXw/s1600/ACU72.jpg" height="320" width="223" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I used to smell the pages!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Secondly, which I know seems a bit backwards, the 'upcoming releases' section was a wonderland of mystery & excitement. Herein games would be named, a brief outline of the point of wasting your precious, over-too-quickly life on them would be made, and a suspected release date would be flicked at you. All of which was great at the time!<br />
<br />
I remember a pair of distinct anticipation events in my game-rubbing lifetime. The first was for my CPC 464, and it was a movie tie-in, of all things. I know! Imagine, a time when movie tie-ins weren't half-baked afterthoughts assembled to swizz kids, drunk on merchandising hysteria! The game was Batman. And my god, did I ache for it. I literally YEARNED for it, like an imprisoned man yearns to see if his missus has ran off with his brother. It was all I could think about. Here, share my pain!<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifidfU0dRqcGWw-_vo5fH7r_plnafJt9jkH-AzVzbsZN3Dov6jXhrV1aYmwTllFGoTPPrrneUwiXkBDzbs4lueML11wMH9AQiMqTrg3iIvrk8-OkJzTYQwhzArlN3j3wnkblj0U7SiMhk/s1600/download_extra.php.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifidfU0dRqcGWw-_vo5fH7r_plnafJt9jkH-AzVzbsZN3Dov6jXhrV1aYmwTllFGoTPPrrneUwiXkBDzbs4lueML11wMH9AQiMqTrg3iIvrk8-OkJzTYQwhzArlN3j3wnkblj0U7SiMhk/s1600/download_extra.php.jpg" height="231" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wow, honestly, seeing this makes me tingle.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
My anticipation was so huge for this<i> </i>cassette that I got myself into trouble. Even though I knew it wasn't released until next week, I nagged and nagged my parent/guardian into taking me to 'Computer World'. This wasn't a futuristic theme park wherein all the staff had monitors instead of heads, it was merely the name of the game shop in late 80's Bolton. And obviously, when it was revealed I'd told an over-excited porkie in my haste to walk in the gigantic shoes of acting God Michael Keaton, I received a well-deserved metaphorical beheading. Fat oaf!<br />
<br />
However, in this case, my anticipation was rewarded. This game was<i>...</i>stunning. I literally squealed with joy at the quality of the graphics. To be honest, I think I may have even shed a giddy tear of excitement as I beheld the beautiful packaging alone in my stinking bedroom. Wow, even now I can feel the matt-black, high-quality cardboard cassette box in my memory hands...!<br />
<br />
Games are <i>great, </i>tell everyone you can, as soon as you can.<br />
<br />
Sorry, I went off track a bit then. Here, have a picture and <i>try to understand, </i>you fool!<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo44xEaBY8U-J-nAEWlz-GYZRhAjO4bXyUSnzQOj2iVBphXAHMp-O6R9mweUZF_038cTOz4Xq1akr0Gx02h9seyeC3jZskgSUik-yFmATlVzohawpU0w8N47eL6OQjTh4tH3zrzTLTmKA/s1600/amstrad_gx4000_ss_batman-return_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo44xEaBY8U-J-nAEWlz-GYZRhAjO4bXyUSnzQOj2iVBphXAHMp-O6R9mweUZF_038cTOz4Xq1akr0Gx02h9seyeC3jZskgSUik-yFmATlVzohawpU0w8N47eL6OQjTh4tH3zrzTLTmKA/s1600/amstrad_gx4000_ss_batman-return_2.jpg" height="233" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was lashing with rain outside my bedroom window when I first saw this gorgeous mental patient!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
The second of the two cataclysmic anticipation feasts was a racing game....a very, very important racing game. But I intend to blah blah on about it in detail some other time, so I'll leave it until then. If that's alright with you, sweetheart!<br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i>So, as I stagger towards the end of this nonsense like a tramp being eaten alive by foxes, I have formed a conclusion. And yes, it is probably WRONG and FLAWED.<br />
<br />
Anticipation is gone from me, perhaps from the majority of older gamers. We don't enjoy the constant barrage contemporary gaming subjects us to. We want mystery to return, but when the veils of secrecy draw back, we want quality. Ah wait! There's my conclusion! Here, try this next line:<br />
<br />
'We have no anticipation, because we know there is nothing to anticipate that we haven't seen before.'<br />
<br />
Seems kind of miserable? It's the truth, sister.<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8386026895175056900.post-48579886824906078922013-04-07T14:10:00.001+01:002013-04-07T14:10:16.989+01:00The day I met you....Hello there sister!<br />
<br />
Since I wrote my introduction, I've been having a sly peek at what other bloggists are up to, and frankly, I'm disappointed. In my own abilities. 'Harrumph'.<br />
<br />
But, I am hoping that you, dear non-reader ignoring this post again, will be charmed and enthralled by my simplistic approach and minimalist attitude to content!<br />
<br />
So, with that in our so-called 'minds', I'd like to take you by your beef-stained hand and attempt to explore one of the filthy roots of my gaming illness. <br />
<br />
<h3>
Chapter 1: I saw her standing there...</h3>
When I was miniature, I used to be taken along to a place called Blackpool. Like all poverty-stricken families from that era, Blackpool Pleasure Beach was a glamorous tourist attraction full of wonder & chips.<br />
<br />
(The 'Pleasure Beach' wasn't a franchise of Hugh Heffner's orange & silicone bimbo cull factory, it was a collection of rides, stalls and, most importantly, arcades.)<br />
<br />
Arcades. Dimly-lit temples to the newly-born temptress named gaming. These places from the outside seemed like warehouses full of blinking lights and various beeps, whooshes and bzzzzps. Only the truly dedicated passed through those doors into the confusing electronic hell within, or were nagged into it by the little excited people drunk on anticipation!<br />
<br />
Now, when I was smaller, the arcades were scary places. All the big kids went into arcades, and lingered intimidatingly around the better cabinets, or 'game sarcophagi' as I used to not call them. So, the newer releases were out of bounds to me, as I was a coward even back then. The pinball machines were the worst, but thankfully I'd be turned away from pinball forever with the discovery of the stuff in the next paragraph!<br />
<br />
Pole position. This cabinet had a steering wheel, gear selector and pedals. Actually REAL and ATTACHED. This, to my growing brain, was only one step down from a real car. It featured stylised pictures of Grand Prix cars on the sides, and chewing gum cruelly stuck to the underside of the steering wheel in the optimal position to make me cry.<br />
<br />
It was, nearly obviously, an attempt to bring the death-defying sport of Formula One to life for idiots.<br />
<br />
And it worked on me, sister.<br />
<br />
When I dropped that 50 pence piece (about £130 in today's money), I was transported to another world. I felt like I was there, the true seal of immersion.<br />
<br />
The car I piloted was three or four black blocks, the track was a grey, jagged tear in a screen of green with a perfect blue sky meeting it in the middle. The enemy drivers, all determined to steal food from my plate and leave me upside down in a ball of flame with stains on my smalls.<br />
<br />
The track would advance toward you, the enemy scum would appear on the horizon and grow, block by block, until you murdered (overtook) them with a flourish, sending them back to their wives & children as broken men with incurable psychological damage.<br />
<br />
The gear selector had 'lo' and the dizzyingly dangerous 'hi' settings. Obviously, 'lo' was for girls with nits, and 'hi' was for real men like Burt Reynolds in Cannonball Run.<br />
<br />
I played the heck out of this game, begging for 50p's like a boy band member on Comic Relief. Whenever I'd get to those Blackpool arcades, I'd be drawn almost romantically to it, like a tramp trying to woo a wheelie bin.<br />
<br />
This game is responsible for my love of the real F1, and for my soft-spot for the racing genre as a whole. I <i>loved </i>it.<br />
<br />
Although, I can't really remember it that well! I tried to find a picture that matched my recollections, but this is all I could find with minimal effort!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqQyfKjt7kAWcRh-MaJzTokWy9jn2VW0uJjS8o3fkNtis-9EQFwyl0jEchnsXyRMx17_jmkh2cKZS6FunGqsoWny3zak4fmkmIEEAwRdMLiiJ65PQICvXalLakHsfncQZxBQKfYvVY3w/s1600/PP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBqQyfKjt7kAWcRh-MaJzTokWy9jn2VW0uJjS8o3fkNtis-9EQFwyl0jEchnsXyRMx17_jmkh2cKZS6FunGqsoWny3zak4fmkmIEEAwRdMLiiJ65PQICvXalLakHsfncQZxBQKfYvVY3w/s1600/PP.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not what I remember, can you do better? Then shut up!</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This is <i>probably </i>the reason I love games. Well, one of them anyway. Read on boss!<br />
<br />
<h3>
Chapter 2: Not as good as chapter 1.</h3>
The other arcade-based thing I remember being hooked on was called 'Green Beret'. This was a cutting-edge military simulator, certain to have been used by the SAS in preparation for wearing gas masks and that.<br />
<br />
I think I remember the game started with a heart-breaking message about captive troops, which fired me up and made me as patriotic as an illiterate child can be. I imagined then all tied up in a draughty barn, steely determination etched on their bedraggled faces, dreaming of home and muttering.<br />
<br />
Then, a DEAFENING SIREN would sound, signalling the start of your mission. A sideways-scrolling enemy compound would appear, filled with despicable terrorists, bigots and ladders. <br />
<br />
It was terrifying! They would rabidly sprint towards you, frothing with disappointment at your intrusion on their villainy. Armed only with a truly enormous knife which lashed out from your chest area inexplicably, you had to jump, climb and otherwise dodge these raging baddies. Luckily, the baddies had received such a cripplingly poor standard of training that they were easily stumped by you simply <i>lying down or jumping at the right time. </i>God in heaven!<br />
<br />
I was so bad at this game that I may as well have not bothered playing. I could have just swallowed the coins, to be honest. I hate myself and wish I'd never been born!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHSNRejAR8_bz2zXi71xg6z3TbSQOrSORWUpU4o7R0tzHpTZRYeTfO6tU3Gm6nEU4luhRJbOu4ZWycpmcXVOC_ZDa9qJCULHfeH5eDDpAHYHGBMg1-GdMdJDzTJ0Gv6IakC7C2YRFI59g/s1600/green_beret_02.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHSNRejAR8_bz2zXi71xg6z3TbSQOrSORWUpU4o7R0tzHpTZRYeTfO6tU3Gm6nEU4luhRJbOu4ZWycpmcXVOC_ZDa9qJCULHfeH5eDDpAHYHGBMg1-GdMdJDzTJ0Gv6IakC7C2YRFI59g/s1600/green_beret_02.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They are literally screaming in my face as they charge at me!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
But therein is a lesson for nobody, guys. Remember when we played <i>just to play, </i>and progress-based frustration didn't exist? No achievements, ranks, trinkets or cupboards to obtain. Just a coin-operated dream machine you longed to be with, no matter how fruitless the whole thing was.<br />
<br />
Beautiful. But gone. Or is it? Don't ask me!<br />
<br />
Of course, there are tons of other arcade titles that deserve at least a name-check, but I can't remember them. Did you just 'tut'? Well, don't. I'm only human you oppressive cow!<br />
<br />
OK, that'll do for now. As usual, nobody cares and the world is a heartless, competitive place, but don't let that stop you from remarking, no matter how nonsensical or threatening.<br />
<br />
I'll stop if you say so, chief!<br />
<br />
GL & HF!<br />
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<h3>
</h3>
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<br />AlmightyCasualhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00085663915387854258noreply@blogger.com3