Sunday, 4 August 2013


Good day, mates!

Last week I outlined in stunning clarity the reasons why you should consider a PC as your next gaming purchase, instead of a new console. If you didn't read it, then I simply must pity you, and inform you that your ignorance will be the source of society mocking you for the rest of your days. You will be forced out of your community, destined to live in the wilderness eating chunks of wet mud until you slip away unhappily one freezing night, grateful for the sweet release of death...Not really! I was being silly again.

So it became apparent (following feedback some chavs had scratched onto my car with a rusty AA battery) that I missed a couple of minor points that needed to be shouted into the internet. So why on Earth not, eh?

Missed minor point number one: 

Opting for a gaming PC at this crucial time for gaming will result in a slight mental health issue known amongst experts as 'Feeling-irrelevant-osis'. Every website you visit will be rabidly promoting new console games, every newspaper you pick up will feature whole-page adverts for new console games, all your friends & colleagues will be talking about new console games.

The gaming world will be aflame with relentless promoting of console console console. Don't forget that major gaming websites are given....incentives in order to secure themselves early access to games for review purposes. Yes, I mean a metaphorical bag of cash.

These websites then give favourable, often puzzlingly positive reviews in order to secure themselves early access to the next title out of the factory and so on and on and on. You see how it works, Son? You don't get it? What??

OK, here. Imagine there are two monkeys that review bananas (monkey A and monkey B), and a third monkey that supplies bananas (monkey C).

Banana-supply monkey C says to banana-review monkey A "Oo oo if you say me 'nana best, me give you more 'nana to say is good".

Banana-review monkey A then tells the rest of the monkeys "Banana supply monkey gives best 'nana', you brainless, inbred macaque if you not agree. 9/10".

Banana-review monkey B, meanwhile, says "Banana supply monkey C 'nanas not all that, girlfriend, you should wait before you rush whooping out of your tree to get his 'nanas".

However, the gibbering pack of excitable, impatient monkeys want bananas NOW NOW NOW and therefore discredit banana-review monkey B due to his negative review material arriving weeeeeeeks later.



Yeah, I know. Horrible, horrible writing. Here, forgive me with these points:

The point is you will need mental strength to be a PC gamer at the launch of new consoles.

You will be hurting to feel included in all the everything that is going on everywhere.

You will feel like you are on the outside of gaming for a while, but it will pass in roughly 3 months.

OK, that was the first missed point. The second concerns what 'next-gen' actually means in relation to PC gaming. So let's get going, shall we?

Missed minor point number two:

The upcoming consoles will roughly be the equivalent, in terms of what you will see on your screens, of a current mid-range gaming PC. When I say mid-range, I mean about £700-800 worth.

Scary numbers, eh? No, no, no. Let me adjust my elasticated waistband and explain.

The consoles will be a match for mid-range gaming PCs for a few months. Bur, if you have the urge and the cash, you can simply upgrade yourself into the distance. Consoles are stuck at the same performance point forever. Forever. At the very least, eight years.

The point is current mid-range gaming PCs are more than a match for the new wow amaaaaaazing consoles.

PC gamers have had those graphics for years. And better!

Mid-range PC will be comfortably ahead, in graphics power terms, of the consoles within 6 months. 

The phrase 'next-gen' relates only to consoles catching up with the arse-end of PC gaming.

Hmm, I'm a bit too pro-PC today. I'm feeling a bit snarky, to be honest. I watched 'Forrest Gump' last night, and it's left me rather emotional. That poor, sweet retard. Why did that movie not get a video game tie-in? You could have a Track & Field style button-masher for the running bits, a decent FPS for the Vietnam war part (featuring trendy gaming must-haves like EMOTIONALLY RESCUING your wounded squad mates), and even a 'Katawa Shoujo' style disabled romance sim for the bits with Lieutenant Dan (after he's had his legs shot off).

A missed opportunity, my friends, I'm sure you'll agree.

So yeah, there. Done. Why trap your future gaming in one of these made-up 'gen' things, when you can break free of it all and express yourself on PC? Build it your way, improve it your way.

You can even make them look like this (your reasons are your own!):


I feel I must restate, in the interests of balance, that consoles are fine in the short term. For that initial six month period they are impressive, given their price and all that. The next batch will show folks exactly what has been available on PC for the last 5 years or so, and will hopefully encourage them to take the plunge. Like a defrosted caveman entering a nightclub!

After all, I won't be buying one, not at launch anyway, so what better reason than that? You can claim a serious gaming journalist advised you against buying, and all your friends will be impressed. You know, over TWO THOUSAND* people read this fascinating, magnificent writing? Incredible.

Anyway, have a nice Sunday, look after yourselves. It's a tough world for us nerds!

GL & HF!

*No, they don't.

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